The Madness of It All

   So, I have  had an interview tomorrow. I am going to call and cancel as soon as I'm finished uncovering some truth behind all of the lies I've been telling myself over the past three years. The truth is that I'm not well enough to work yet. I'm exhausted. My medications aren't working. I'm still not gaining weight. I'm sick and sick of being sick. (try saying that ten times fast)

   I've been on a hard and rigorous job search over the past few months. Why? Why have I been looking for jobs tirelessly when I'm too tired to leave the apartment on most days? Why have I become so consumed with what I can and cannot do?  My focus needs an alignment. 

   Sure, it would have been an amazing ego boost for me to go to my job interview tomorrow and find out later that I got the job.  It would have been nice to get out of my pajamas and dress up nice and look like a professional for the first time in a long time.  The dark circles under my eyes would have appreciated to be covered up with foundation for once. It would have been nice to have a job and bring home an extra pay check to increase our income. 

   The truth is, though, for the first time I'm putting my foot down.  I am not doing myself or Matt any favors by over exerting myself.  I end up ten times as tired as before and Matt is left to take care of me double time. I've had knots in my stomach since I agreed to go to the interview tomorrow. I was never sure that it was the right choice. This morning, I called one of my best friends - my mama. My mama has a way of saying exactly what I need to hear although it's not always what I want to hear.  She asked me a very powerful question : "Nikki, think about where you want to be in two years.  Do you want to be healthy or do you want to have more money?" At first, I went for the 'have your cake and eat it, too' answer and thought that I wanted both.  In the end, all I could think about was wanting to be healthy.

  I want to be able to enjoy vacations to see our families and not get worn down so quickly.  I want to be able to go back to school and put all of my effort into it.  I want to be able to have a healthy pregnancy one day and have energy to play with my kids. I want to enjoy long walks and jogging again. I want to be able to serve my community and volunteer all of the places that I would love to.

 I hadn't prioritized things before today.  I've been so busy trying to compensate for my illness by overachieving and pushing myself to the limit. I've been comparing myself to everyone around me and getting angry that the 80 year old woman that walks around our neighborhood has more energy than I do. I've just assumed that people don't understand my illness or think that I'm lazy.  I've not taken time to realize that there are people around me that love me and are supporting me through all of this. If people do think that my illness is a plan to get attention or think that I'm just being careless and lazy then they don't belong in my life and circle of friends anyway.

I also have to come to a place in my life where I can accept this illness if it doesn't ease up or go away. I believe that will take some more time, but I hope that my heart can move to acceptance and that I will find new and creative ways to deal with this. So, here is the time to clear up a few lies I've been telling myself:

I do not have worth because I'm not healthy.
I cannot do the things that I want to do.
I am  a burden to Matt, my family and friends.  I AM NOT a burden to Matt, my family, and friends.
People just think I'm trying to get attention. WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK!

I told my mama, "I just want to write." She answered me, "So, do it."

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm short an interview tomorrow, but I know that taking care of my body and getting these lies out of the way will be worth it.

Salt Water

As the ocean waves touch the shore
And the mist kisses my face
I'm brought back to a time
Where grace was mine
When life itself was so pure
So true
I lifted hands to heaven
And was not afraid to praise
To question-
God, why is life so hard?
Why do you distance yourself?
Now, the clouds seem to be
Taking over my soul as they gloom over the blue sky
And I am left on my knees
On the gritty sand
With my face in my hands crying once again-
God, take me back!
Take me to the place where loneliness does not stare at me!
It's eyes are haunting as I sit alone in nature
Where I'm supposed to be free
But waves and rocks have become walls
And I'm dying as I plea-
God, take me into your arms!
The waves crash louder now
And the sky splits
Open
Down pouring rain soaks my head
And falls onto my scars of resistance
Where I have been torn
By self hatred and false loves
I am not alone
Although I feel I have been abandoned
I stand and run
Breathing heavily
Crying just as hard
I run
To shelter
For shelter has always been there

The Nomadic Life

There are four places that are my favorite places to be.

The first, is visiting family and spending time with them. I love being in Tennessee visiting family and in Virginia visiting Matt's family because the time we have with them is precious.  It is rare that we are able to visit them due to the long distances.

My second favorite place to be is in a coffee shop.  There is just something about the aroma of coffee and Indie music playing over the speakers that brings out the poet in me.  It's a place that I feel comfortable and can relax.  There's nothing like sharing a cup of tea or coffee with a loved one or friend.  Conversations can run deep or be light hearted and hilarious from a caffeine high.

The third best place on my list is being home with Matt and our puppy, Massy. We've done our best to make our apartment cozy and welcoming. There really is no place like home. Home has been more comforting to me than ever since I've not been well.

The fourth place that I enjoy the most is really no specific place at all. It is being on a boat, plane, train, or in a car going somewhere I have never been before. The first time I really discovered this was when my best friend and I flew down to Orlando with my aunt. We were seventeen and naive of the world around us.  We went to Disney and during that trip I knew that I wanted to see more of America.  A couple of years later, my adventurous spirit awakened even more when I boarded a plane to move to England.  I had never been outside of America and there I was moving to another country!  I lived in England for almost two years and during that time I faced a lot of challenges. These challenges were cultural and personal. I faced them head on and enjoyed the amazing opportunity that God had given to me.

Shortly after returning to the states, Matt and I got married and I moved up to New Hampshire to join him.  I know that there are still places that we will travel to and different places that we will live. We are both adventurous and we find joy in discovering new places and meeting new people.  Every place seems like a new chapter in a book.  Our passports are filling with stamps and our lives are being filled with amazing people.

I've given a lot of thought to the way that I grew up and the way that Matt grew up.  The differences in our lifestyles growing up are like night and day.  Matt grew up in a military family, so he moved around a lot when his dad got reassigned to a new post.  I, on the other hand, was raised in one small town my whole life. We both admire each other's upbringing all the time and discuss the differences.  I admire the fact that Matt got to see so many places at such an early age.  Matt often tells me that he wishes he had a best friend like I do.  A friend that he has grown up with all his life. 

It still remains a fact, though, that Matt and I are very adventurous.  There aren't many places that we would never want to live.  If we were given the opportunity to live in Brazil tomorrow, we would take it.  If we could just fly on over to India for a few months and live there then we would do it. Our dreams are filled with equal parts country and city, living abroad and domestically, and adding stamp after stamp to our passport.

We feel that God really does have plans for us that are far bigger than any trips we could plan.  We believe that we have this hunger and thirst for travel for a reason.  We often talk about what we will do once we have children.  We both obviously want our kids to know their extended family.  We want them to have sugar cookies and sleepovers at their grandparent's house.  I know that a pregnancy would not be easy without having family around.  We both want our kids to go on fishing trips with papaw and go shopping with mamaw.

The truth is, though, that in it all God does have a plan.  If we are thousands of miles away from family when we have children then God will provide those times to visit and those times will be precious and not taken for granted.  His faithfulness knows no bounds. Mileage doesn't keep love from being a strong foundation of family and friends.

We are living a nomadic life. I'm confident that even in the difficulties, God will bless us and our families.

As we pack up boxes and suitcases we realize we're living for something so much bigger than ourselves.