Contentment & Grace

     When you live in a one-bedroom apartment, alone time is pretty much non-existent. Amaya is resting soundly in our shared bedroom and Matt is asleep on the couch. Even the dog is down for an afternoon nap. I've grabbed up the computer and nestled in with my back against the bathtub and chosen to write while I have the chance. For days now, I have felt the need to write and get something off of my chest. I haven't done so yet because I haven't quiet known what it has been that's been pulling on my heart. I can't even assure you what direction this is going in, but stick with me and we'll get there together. 

    We live in one of the most expensive areas in the entire country. That's right, one of the top wealthiest areas in the United States. The houses are grand and the cars are new. The people are busy and the sense of community is a hard one to find.. Matt and I have been on a money-saving spree since last May when we decided to downsize from a four-bedroom house (rental) to a one-bedroom apartment. We sold most of what we had and minimized money that we spent on everything from essentials like groceries to non-essential coffee and frozen yogurt outings. It has been a challenge living in a small space with our 15-month old daughter, but we put up some cheery photos and made the space a home. We exist in a way that other people in this area do not, at least the majority.

    Saving money hasn't gone as planned. It turns out that while we have saved money in rent, we are still shelling out for debt each month. Interest rates have risen and we have found ourselves living from paycheck to paycheck some weeks and even months at a time. I don't bring you into the intimate details of our finances for the sake of transparency, but rather to set the stage for a lesson that I have recently learned: being gracious to myself is the beginning of being able to extend grace to others.

    You see, a large portion of our debt is my fault essentially. I began a college degree that I never finished. At the time, I was extremely unhealthy and school work was draining me of all of the resources I had left. I quit my degree in hopes of finding out a diagnosis and getting well enough to start thinking about starting a family. By the time that I withdrew from school, I had suffered a seizure and had fallen behind in both classes. I felt peace about ending my time as a student. Within a few months, the loan payments began and they still loom over us like a dark cloud. Without those student loans, we would have financial freedom to get on track and get our heads above water. All of these are things that I thought...until recently.

   I realized the other night while talking to Matt, that I have carried around so much "false guilt" over the student loans. There was so much emotion that came out when I talked about it. I have felt like I'm holding us back from our dream of adoption just because of my health being out of my control those years ago when I withdrew from school. I have taken on a burden that wasn't mine to carry. Now, not having grace for ourselves seems like a harmless act. At the end of the day, we're the only ones that suffer, right? It's okay to beat ourselves up. It's alright to let one self-deprecating thought melt into another and another. Well, that isn't true at all. In fact, it's what we allow in our own minds that determines our value of ourselves and our value of other people. You see, I wasn't able to be compassionate to the highest degree with others because my own thought pattern mirrored those that asked me for advice. How could I say, "You shouldn't beat yourself up over this." when I doubted my own value and wasn't reflecting those truths in my own life.

   We live in an area that seems to swallow us up financially, but what about those that literally live on one dollar a day? We have exceedingly more than they do and living in a one-bedroom apartment seems like a dream come true. Writing from the bathroom instead of a beautiful home office is a privilege compared to how our circumstances could be. Having student loan debt means that I have had some education--far  more than most girls and women in the world have access to. "Paying off debt" means that we have the money to pay our bills every month. I hope and pray that this "lesson" of sorts that I am learning--being content in the moment and having grace for myself--is something that I hold close for a long time.

   I don't know what your current circumstances are, but I am sure that there is probably a burden (or two) that you're needlessly carrying. Perhaps you are blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control. Maybe you can't extend grace to yourself in a situation. It's possible that you're broken and you're discontent with whatever circumstance that you face--lift your head high and know that the same grace you extend to others needs to be extended to yourself. Contentment & grace are two beautiful things. I trust that they will both find you.