You Are Always Thinking of Me

   This morning, I had a rare peaceful moment to myself. Usually, Amaya and I wake at the same time and it's a mad dash to get her changed, fed, myself fed, and then whatever issues arise that have to be tended to. I woke up bright and early this morning and headed into the kitchen. I whipped up some banana walnut muffins from a package and preheated the oven. Then, I groggily just stood there wondering what to do next. The rarity of time alone first thing in the morning made me feel like "the world is my oyster" so to speak. I pulled a small notebook out of my over sized purse and a Walgreen's pen. I sat down and began to write. Usually, when I write I have an idea that sparks and I just go with it. This morning, I started to write before that happened and I was pleasantly surprised at the result. I wrote a little note to God.

    Now, if there's anything that I have learned over the past few years of trials it has been that it's perfectly acceptable for me to see God through my own lens. I used to feel so much pressure to relate to God in the way that others saw Him. As a result, I always felt as if I was falling short. Going through tough stuff has been a blessing in disguise, really. It has allowed me to tap in to my own relationship with God in a way that I never would have. I soon realized that letting go of my false version of God and allowing myself to relate to Him in my own way was what He wanted for me in the first place. I have been able to set religion aside and in turn, have something authentic.

    My note this morning had to do with letting stress subside and trusting that God will meet our financial needs that we have at the moment. That is what I wrote about, but the subject of trust ran deeper for me. Most people may see God as a Father figure, but to be honest, I never have. I realize that there are loads of verses where God refers to us as His children and to Himself as Father. As someone that comes from a broken home, though, referring to God as Father always made me feel like I was set up for disappointment. I worked through those issues and later reconciled with my father and also have a wonderful relationship with my step-father.  Still, though, I just don't see God through the lens of being my Father. I relate most to God through nature.

    There hasn't been one occasion when I stood on a beach and looked out at the vast ocean that I didn't think of God's endless love. It never fails. I've never looked at the sun slowly set over the mountains and not thought about the fact that God's grace is vibrant in a dark world. I've been waist high in snow before as fresh snow fell on me and reflected on God's ability to make things new and pure. Spring reminds me of His fresh starts while Summer reminds me of the warmth of His love for me. Autumn and Winter bring to light His beauty in the midst of harsh conditions. Moss hanging from the trees in Georgia reveals to me His attention to detail while the mountains of Tennessee show me His majesty. Our daughter Amaya reminds me that God is gentle and kind. I could go on and on...

   This morning, as I wrote my stress to paper and felt the overwhelming urge to vent what I have been feeling for the past few months, my note ended much differently than I thought it would. I simply wrote, God, you are always thinking of me. I was surprised by that final sentence. I looked outside at the pouring rain and saw something new about God's character--the fact that He refreshes my heart when I need it most.

All that remains

         I knelt down on the closet floor and began to rummage my way through the storage bin. It had been packed hurriedly--an array of photos, picture frames, and loose random papers were spilling over the brim. I grabbed handfuls of photos and flipped through them--his face racing by me in sepia, black and white, and colored Polaroid prints.

        The television in the other room blared out promises of clearer skin and fulfillment from ninety-nine cent cheeseburgers. I placed the stack of photos back and lifted the contents of the bin as far up as I could without dropping it and making too much noise. I looked under the raised pile for any notebooks or envelopes addressed to me. There wasn't anything but a cheap key chain and a University of Tennessee flag that had once been tacked up to his bedroom wall.

       I stood up quickly and dusted myself off. Even nearly five years after his death, I had forgotten how dirty of a task it was to dig up memories and souvenirs of the past. Stirring up that thin layer of dust on my heart had made my eyes burn with the threat of tears.

      I walked out of his bedroom empty handed. My plan to leave with any letters smuggled under my shirt had failed. I knew my grandmother would have happily given me anything that I had found, but I was embarrassed that even after all of these years I was still searching for him. I had hoped that I would discover a letter he had written me years before. The truth was, though, that I had all of the letters he had written me packed away in a box under my bed. I had found them one by one on the day of his death while we cleaned out his room. They were scattered across his room--behind his dresser, in his notebook, addressed on his nightstand. Some were half-written; some made sense while others were inky fragments of dementia pieced together by good intentions and confessions.

       So, that was it., I thought. Those are the only words of permanence he left me. I remembered that each letter could be summed up in three words: I love you. I smiled, wiped the dust from my eyes and resolved to make my own words beautiful because one day, that will be all that is left of me.     

Love Today

    It was the way that the August breeze engulfed her senses. The warm summer air would wrap around her and the humidity would linger for a while making her sundress stick to her skin. She stretched out beneath the clear blue sky as she studied the clouds through sepia toned lenses. The world seemed untouched when she was in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of the thousands and their agendas. The tall oak beside her cast its shadow between the golden sun and lush green grass. The branches stretched silhouettes over her like long skinny fingers picking at her dress and brushing at her hair. She exhaled, closed her eyes and relaxed into a sweet sleep.

   The earthy-sweet smell of lavender tickled her nose and she woke up with a long sigh. She had been covered up by a thin antique quilt and a mason jar of lavender sat beside her with a cream colored envelope that read "Love Today". She sat up and looked around to see if anyone was around. Then, she became unsettled that someone had been near her while she was sleeping. She looked to her left, and then to the right--no one was there. She took the note in her hand and stood as her cotton sundress fell down below her knees and the strap off of her right shoulder. She did a small circle, cupped her hand over her eyes and looked out as far as she could see. Still, no one was there.

    She took the old quilt and dragged it over to the tree, spread it out sleepily. The tree, peppered with bright green moss and small ants became a desk of sorts as she laid on her stomach and opened the letter against the tree's surfaced roots.The penmanship, more like an elaborate calligraphy from the past, was beautiful. The letter read,

         My Lovely, 

                       Yes, you are lovely. Do you truly know that? Do you know it in your heart with every bit of assurance? 

                     Today, there are many things to do. There are bills to pay and appointments to keep. There's a "to do" list waiting for you and an abundance of obligations that you must make. Don't forget to check in on those you love and be there for those that love you. I cannot even begin to stress to you the importance of...

                     Wait. I just wrote that you are lovely. I just put pen to paper and explained that I want you to know in your heart with every bit of assurance that you are adored. I want you to truly understand that. So, allow me to remind you of what is important. That list of obligations--that's what you hold yourself to. 

                   Today, you may not be able to meet those obligations. It's possible that you will wake up not feeling well. Appointments will have to be canceled and you may have to ask for help with that "to do" list. You may be able to complete one task, and even that may not be done to your satisfaction. Is that okay? Do you still know that you are lovely? Are you able to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself for who you are and not what you can do? Do you have a sense of accomplishment even if all you can do today is dress yourself and care for yourself? Is life still beautiful even when it is not filled with your tasks of busyness and success?

                   Is the life that you have enough? When you compare yourself to everyone else and you feel like a failure in their shadow, are you living like you are lovely? When your opinion of yourself is built with your sense of failures and your lack of love for yourself--then you will not see that you are loved and valued. When you measure a day's worth in what you can accomplish and not in the extraordinary beauty of life itself then you will never truly live. 

                You are more than what even you can see. You are not broken despite a body that may be. You are lovely and I can't wait until you can see it for yourself. Until then, love today and love others like I have loved you. 

              xx

       A soft roll of thunder vibrated behind the clouds. Then, the rain came. The drops began one by one and then fell into a steady flow. She winced in her sleep in anticipation of the rain falling on her face. Nothing happened. With her eyes closed, she stretched and let out a sigh. The smell of lavender was gone. She opened her eyes and found that she was lying in her queen size bed beneath her orange duvet, not an antique quilt. She rolled over and patted the mattress and then scanned her nightstand--there wasn't a letter in sight. The pain in her joints and muscles flooded back and she was instantly aware that it had all been a dream. Despite her pain, she smiled--it had been the most beautiful dream she had ever had. She reached over to the notepad and pen, drew a line through her entire "to do" list, and wrote the one task she knew she could accomplish for the day: love today.

A Compilation of Moments

            
               Matt and I drove through a storm on our way home Tuesday evening. I got Amaya out of her carseat and headed up the four flights of stairs. I rounded the corner of the first flight and stopped in my tracks. The most beautiful double rainbow that I had ever seen arched across the stormy sky. I stood there and silently took in the moment. I breathed in deeply and for the first time all day I was still. My mind wasn't wandering and my body wasn't preoccupied with duties and plans. I was awestruck by such a gorgeous moment; revived in the silence of routine coming to a halt. Matt came up behind me. "What is it?" he asked. I pointed to the sky, "Shhh.." I whispered. We stood there in silence for a minute. Stillness.

               As we looked at those vibrant colors stretched across the same sky that the entire world shared, I came to the conclusion that life is a compilation of beautiful moments. My heart grew sad because I wondered how many beautiful moments that I routinely miss due to busyness and an apathetic heart. If there's anything that I want to learn, it's to be still and take life in through deep breaths and appreciation.


             I will be writing a weekly blog for those of you that want to join me in the journey of being still. I believe that stillness will actually take us further than we realize. I'm unsure of how many weeks this blog will last or in what direction I am going in, but the details aren't important right now. I'll be writing with an open heart and in the end that's all that matters.

  REFLECT:
   
    -This week, search for moments that are "spectacular" in the midst of the "mundane". Meditate on those moments or journal about them.

   - What keeps you from being still? Routine? Anxiety? Reflect on those reasons and look for ways to turn your distractions in to opportunity.  

Nikki xx

Pearls for a Gypsy

   I've been on a journey recently. Like always, my mind has been going in a million different directions. It looks like I'm chopping zucchini for dinner, but I'm off somewhere contemplating the meaning of life (To love and to be loved? To give without seeking anything in return? To help as many people as possible on this sphere we call home? To help one person with all of my heart as if they were my life's work? To be a mom with all of my heart and soul? To  create a lasting memory so beautiful that joy itself finds joy in the magic of it? To live simply?) and playing the never ending game of connect the dots with the events that have shaped my life. (Hmm...if that wouldn't have happened then would I be where I am today?)


  I remember being really contemplative early on. While other kids were having their Kool-Aid and Fritos binge on the playground, I was usually in mid-thought about Heaven and if the butterfly fluttering around the lilies could make it up to God. I've always had this deep longing to pick emotions and thoughts apart like an intricate piece of machinery. Our thoughts lead to our feelings; our feelings to our thoughts. We are all like a set of well oiled gears turning with purpose.


   I believe that we are all so uniquely different, uniquely imperfect, and uniquely beautiful. How many days go by, though, where the sun dissolves on the horizon before we know it and the stars are the only thing left, like embers after a fire has gone out. Too often, our good intentions do not evolve into anything more than that. Hopes and dreams take root in our hearts, but we do not take the time to water them with diligence, sacrifice, and determination. The days turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months into years.


   For all of us that wonder and wander--I am putting pen to paper. I'm taking a good long look into my heart and I'm going to choose to live intentionally. I want to invite you on this journey with me. I'm going to write weekly entries. These entries will range in context, but all will offer you a time to reflect. This isn't a "quick fix"--it isn't a quick "devotional" that you can read in a quick two minutes while rushing out the door for work or as you fall asleep while on your phone at night. This is going to be all about slowing down and taking time to live like you haven't lived in a long time, if ever.




   The journey will be beautiful. xx


  


  

Burlap and Roses

A paradigm shift—
Ashes to beauty and ordinary to spectacular
That’s what love does.
Transformative love beneath a silver plated sky
The moon kisses the dirt, stirring up a subtle growth
Golden beams of the morning sun
Dissolve the beads of dew
Out from the rocky terrain, a rose pushes through
I clench my fist ‘round my heart
Squeeze it; bring it to life
A new day of dreams lain out--
polished stones to fill my pockets with.

Beneath the clouds of promise
I throw my dreams in the ocean’s salty blue
The stones will raise the tide by no grand measure
But, it is my contribution to the world—as small as it may seem
Like burlap and roses—
Beauty that is strong yet delicate

The Pain Behind the Smile

      
     

I wore a smile as a mask for four years. The smile was a perfect disguise for what I was going through. For those years, I felt as if my chest was a hollow cavern. I felt like I was heartless and without a soul. My dreams faded slowly over the years and all that was left were the memories of who I used to be. I would look in the mirror and feel as if I were on the outside looking in on the life of someone else. You look at these photos and you see a smile across my face, but I see these photos and can tell you exactly how I was feeling on that particular day. There I am. I'm standing frozen in time--a newly wed in New York City with the love of my life beside me. Matt had surprised me with with the trip. We walked around all day seeing the sites, taking in the smell of street vendors and car fumes blanketing the winter air. We stopped for a quick photo and I smiled with all the energy I could muster. On the inside, I was crumbling under the weight of a body that wasn't working properly. On that particular day, I couldn't stand long without feeling as though my legs were going to buckle beneath me. We took a lot of breaks along the way. Matt was so patient with me. I fought feelings of guilt all day. I felt bad that he had taken so much care in surprising me and I wasn't able to enjoy it the way that I wanted to.

     There I am at a wedding. My best friend, a constant support to me during my illness, had just gotten married. I cried tears of happiness as I watched her marry the sweetest guy. The day before, I had been released from the hospital. I had spent 24 hours in the hospital for observation after having an adverse reaction to an anti-depressant. I had purposely cut my arm with a kitchen knife. A friend took me to the hospital where a psychiatrist suggested that I stay over night to be monitored. I shared a room with a woman that didn't make eye contact with me or speak to me. She had small cuts up both of her forearms and some on her face. I turned my back to her and slept in the fetal position, hugging myself as I fell asleep praying to God to heal me. I met with the psychiatrist the next morning. I smiled brightly as I told her I was stable enough mentally to be released from the hospital. I explained to her that my best friend was getting married and that I wanted to be there with her. My long sleeved shirt covered my cuts and my smile covered my broken heart. Being physically sick for so long had taken a toll on me mentally and I hadn't even realized the weight I had been carrying around until I had fallen hard on my face. I was at rock bottom. That was one of the most terrifying experiences I had ever been through during my illness. Even now, when I think back to that hospital stay, I feel that tinge of pain and regret.

     I open up my heart to you like this for the sole reason of showing you that I care. I know what it is like to feel that you have lost yourself to something that was outside of your control. I know what it is like to know that something is not right with your body, to fight for answers, and come up empty handed. I know what it's like to look at old photos and long to be healthy again. I know what it's like to not leave the house for days at a time because you aren't well enough and you're afraid that people will look at you and know that you're not well. I've felt the anxiety and depression of feeling like you're letting your family down because you aren't who you used to be. I know what it's like to hide behind a smile. I share my story because I can't let what I went through go to waste if it's something that will help you know you're not alone.

    I am not 100%. I still have days and sometimes weeks where my symptoms flare up and remind me that something still isn't right. I still have moments when I look back on what Matt and I went through and I mourn. I have walked a long road and I know that I can't completely convey the immense desperation and sadness that I encountered on my journey. As I sit here now, though, I can say that I believe that there was purpose to it.

    Many of you know that I have found a nutritional supplement called Zeal for Life that has helped alleviate my symptoms. I am a consultant for them and I have sent samples out to a few of you. I decided to become a consultant in hopes to help those that have an illness like me, either diagnosed or undiagnosed. I have had so many people struggling with illness cross my path during the past few years. I don't think that is a coincidence. I've held some of you as you have cried. I have been here to reply to your messages and return your phone calls. I've prayed for you and with you as you've gone through the diagnosis and treatment process. Now, I feel that I have something tangible that I can offer you. I am a Zeal consultant because I want to help you like so many of you have helped me on my journey. My ultimate goal isn't to line my pockets with an extra income, but to help you in your search for good health. Zeal for Life isn't a cure, but it could be the difference between staying as you are or having a better quality of life

    

     

"Welcome to the best day of your life!"

About three weeks ago, I set out with our daughter to go grocery shopping. Her carrier takes up most of the space in the shopping cart and putting the bagged groceries around her is like a crazy game of Tetris. I had the cart piled high and was on my way out of the store when an employee asked if he could help me. I was hesitant at first, but am trying to wean myself off of stubbornness. I told him that yes, I could use the help.

On our way to the car he began telling me about his day.

"I love the Disney channel, don't you?", he asked.

I looked at him for a second thinking it was strange for a 25+ year old man to talk about the Disney channel. I saw an innocence in him, a child like wonder. I could tell that he was much younger mentally than his physical age.

"Yeah, I like the Disney channel. What's your favorite show?", I asked.

We talked for about ten minutes as he put the groceries in the trunk and I loaded Amaya into the car. He told me about his favorite show, asked me if the Washington Redskins would be at the Super Bowl, and told me he liked my name because it was just like Nicki Minaj. He was so sweet and seemed to have something so rare...joy.

Today, on my way out of the grocery store with my shopping cart piled high, he approached me again. I agreed to let him help me and again, he brought up his favorite cartoons. We laughed about how awesome the Disney channel is and how beautiful the weather was today.

As we walked he proclaimed, "Today is the best day ever!".

"Why is that?", I asked?

"I didn't get hit by a car!", he beamed.

I smiled. "That's a good thing! I'm glad you're safe. Do you like your job?"

"I LOVE my job! It's the best! My boss interviewed me today and gave me candy!" He reached out his hand and in it were three half melted Hershey Kisses.

He helped me load my groceries with a smile and a short quiz on Disney cartoon characters.

"What's your name again?", he asked.

"It's Nikki." I reached out to shake his hand. "And what's your name?"

"That's right! Just like Nicki Minaj!My name is Raymond. Just like, 'Everybody Loves Raymond'! Do you like that show?"

"I love that show!", I said as I put my purse in the car.

"You can't tip me because my boss says I get paid. Maybe you could bring me candy, though? Next time?" Raymond said seriously.

He told me in detail his top favorite candies and we agreed that I will take him some Skittles next time.

Then, just as I was about to leave Raymond looked at me and said, "Welcome to the best day of your life, Nikki!". With that, he took my shopping cart and continued talking to himself as he walked towards the store.

As I drove away I thought about how I had been bummed all morning and stressed about insignificant little things. Raymond reminded me that yes, this is the best day of my life because I'll never have this day again.

Perspective. It's an ebb and flow scenario, isn't it? One minute we are thankful and the next we are unhappy. We see the fragility of life and soon after we live as though we're invincible. What if we could live with true joy and spread that joy without fear of rejection?

I want you to say to you, "Welcome to the best day of your life!"

Vintage Red

Like a bottle of red,

I was poured out.

I was enjoyed, closed up and forgotten.

Left on the counter of people’s conscious

But they never returned.

My heart—a cellar

cold and lonely.

The party goes on

And I am forced to sit alone

near the ones that will replace me.

I have been neglected.

Poured out

onto the lips of the ungrateful and then, forgotten.

Welcome, all heretics

I am without answers
No longer polished
And blind to the world around me.

I have lost the facade
Picked up the chains
And thrown them from my feet.

I am perfectly imperfect
Broken
Undone
A twisted rusted mess
Kissing the open sky.

Questions lead to more questions
He meets me there;
Takes the pieces lying around me
And assures me that I'm close to his heart.

I fit in with the misfits
And into the forgotten society
He assures me:
The wondering and wandering are accepted
Beneath the pureness of his untainted love
I stand a mess--

Perfectly content.
Wholly free.