Treat ya'self before you wreck ya'self!

So, I have begun my weekend on a great foot. I am actually treating myself to a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop and taking time to invest in my writing. I'm not very good at taking time for myself and I figured that a lot of you aren't so hot at it either.  It's true that I have had more than enough time alone over the past year.  Since being sick, there have been many days that I have curled up under a warm blanket and watched movies all day.  I have realized that having time alone isn't a treat in itself.  I am learning that doing things for myself is essential to keeping my happiness in check.

I figure that a lot of you are so busy with work, family, and possibly your own illness that doing anything for yourself comes last on the list.  This weekend, take time to do something for you! Yes, your husband, kids, and friends love all that you do for them but you need to do something for yourself, too. Even if you take a walk alone or grab a cup of coffee that you never treat yourself to, it's something that yourself will thank you for. : )

I finished up my first week of work today. The sense of accomplishment that I feel is great! I haven't held a job in a year due to my health and it was a huge step of faith to start a new job, even if it was just part-time. The kids that I am working with are so lovely and have made a positive impact on my life.  It's amazing to me that kids have no concept of truly making a difference in some one elses life, but they have every bit of the power to.  Little kids have big hearts.  Their innocence and honesty can be so refreshing from the harsh world that we adults put up with.  The new change in my life has been great for my self-confidence and self-esteem. I have had the energy to get through the four hours of work each day which is a huge deal!

So, I am beginning this weekend with a sense of thankfulness and a treat for myself. : )

Mama's Love

            She gently kissed her daughter on the forehead and softly said, “Good night Nikki, I love you.  Good night Jesus, I love you.”  She pulled two quilts over her daughter and tucked them in around her tightly.  Nikki looked up at her mother and said, “Good night mama, I love you.  Good night Jesus, I love you.”  Victoria smiled as she turned Nikki’s bedroom light off and walked into the living room.  The cold December air made its way inside through the many cracks in the house’s foundation.  Victoria wrapped herself tightly in her bathrobe and put on her thick worn socks.  The only kerosene heater was in Nikki’s bedroom and Victoria wouldn’t have it any other way.  The winter breeze picked up outside and Victoria hugged herself as she shivered.  A blast of cold air pushed from underneath the front door.  Victoria stood and pushed the wadded up quilt tighter into the crack between the floor and the base of the door.

            Winter hadn’t been easy for Victoria and her four-year-old daughter.  As a matter of fact, autumn, summer, and spring weren’t easy either.  Victoria sat and wondered why winter seemed to be the hardest and how she was finally beginning to break under the pressure of being a single mom.  Although Victoria was often so strong for Nikki, she realized that she couldn’t hold everything in forever.  One by one the tears began to fall down her cold face, offering a bit of warmth and comfort to her cheeks.  She was only twenty-one-years-old. Most women her age were graduating college and getting a fresh new life.  Victoria thought of her teenage pregnancy and how in the moment the pregnancy test showed positive she was handed a different life.  She never regretted having Nikki, she just wondered what life could have been like if she would have waited to have a child.

            Victoria wiped the tears from her eyes and breathed in heavily and let the warm air out slowly, watching how it formed a cloud when it hit the cold air.  Being a single mom was the most difficult thing Victoria had ever done.  She was still learning to take care of herself as she was learning to take care of Nikki.  Her toes were still cold inside of her socks so she tucked her feet in between the couch cushions to warm them.  Victoria had recently become a Christian.  She was still in the process of figuring out what all of it meant.  All she knew was that her heart changed upon making that decision even if the circumstances of her life hadn’t.  Nikki’s father had left when Victoria became a Christian.  In the weeks following her choice, it seemed like things had gotten more difficult instead of easier. 

            Winter nights like these reminded her that she and Nikki were poor.  The small house was as unsteady as Victoria’s life, creaking and sometimes shaking beneath the storms.  Victoria was reminded that there wasn’t enough heat to keep both of them warm.  She got up and walked to the refrigerator opening it only to find a pack of hotdogs and a couple slices of cheese which would be Nikki’s breakfast in the morning.  The coldness on her feet sent shivers through her body and she walked back to the living room to sit down.  She looked around and saw the crafts that she had made from old quilts in hopes to sell them to an Antique store in town.  She had always appreciated art and would have gone to college to become an art teacher if Nikki hadn’t come along. It was during her senior year, when her class mates were deciding which college they wanted to apply for that Victoria was choosing an OB-GYN and a paint color for the nursery.

            The crafts were simple to make and she hoped that they would create an income.  A friend of Victoria’s had given her the supplies needed to make the crafts.  She was able to make them with no cost.  She had crafted angels from the quilts.  Each angel had a dress crafted from the quilt as well as beautiful wings with small buttons sewn in sporadically.  Their heads were covered with Spanish moss for hair and small lace doilies lined the collar of the quilt dresses.  Vikki looked at the angels and wondered not only if they were going to make her any money, but if angels in general were real.  Had God given her this life without any help at all?  Victoria heard Nikki call for her, “Mama! I’m still cold!” Victoria stood and walked into Nikki’s room and got into bed with her.  The wind blew with a vengeance outside.

            “Mama, why is it still cold?” Nikki asked.

 Victoria took Nikki’s small body in her arms and held her tightly as a tear fell down her cheek. 

“It’s cold because it has to be cold for Santa to come this year.  Santa can’t come to Tennessee if it’s warm.” Victoria said.

“Oh, ok.  Well, maybe he will come here tonight because it’s really cold!” Nikki said as she nuzzled into Victoria’s neck.

Victoria hugged Nikki tighter and prayed a small prayer in her mind.

God, I’m new to this.  I don’t really know what to say or know what to ask for.  All I know is that I need your help.  I can’t do this on my own.  God, send me angels to take care of us.  Help me to be the best mom that I can be.  Nikki is four, but I’m still learning how to be a mom.  I’m so tired.  I need your help.  Keep us safe and warm tonight.

Victoria woke up the next morning and nothing externally had changed.  The room was still frigidly cold and the kerosene had run out in the heater during the night.  Victoria moved Nikki quietly without waking her.  Nikki sighed softly and hugged onto the teddy bear at her side.  Victoria walked into the kitchen and started cooking the hotdogs for breakfast.  She didn’t know where the next meal or more kerosene for the heater would come from, but there was peace in her heart.  She walked by one of the angels she had made and knew that one of God’s own was with her and Nikki.

Victoria’s crafting idea really paid off.  She was able to sell her first angels to the antique shop in town.  Victoria was then invited by the owner to take place in the town craft show.  Opportunities later arose for Victoria’s crafts to be sold in other antique stores both locally and out of state.  Through making the crafts, Victoria was able to pay monthly bills on time and just as importantly make friends that would provide a strong support network to her and Nikki.  If and when bills couldn’t be paid God always provided through someone at church.  At the end of the day, Victoria was still a single mom, but her hope was rooted in something bigger than herself and her abilities.

Victoria eventually married again and had four more beautiful children. Victoria continues to make her crafts and participates annually in craft shows.  Her business has grown a lot and her products have expanded.  But you can still find her angels with their quilt dresses and wings.  They haven’t changed since the first one that she made and neither has the verse that she displays on the back of their wings.  In delicate feminine handwriting is written: Philippians 4:13.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Fallen

Fallen leaves
Come to shore
On sand of lakes-murky water
Beneath a sky of pure and perfect blue
She waits for him to come to shore
On sand of time-broken dreams
Her patience wears thin
Hope escapes her in the waiting
Of what can be true
She waits alone
With leaves
On sand of lakes-murky water

Mosaic is Vogue

 

 Broken pieces are held together by mortar and clay. Catching the sun's light, they shine and display their spectrum of colors. Their beauty is found in the eye of the beholder and to some they prove beautiful; to others they prove broken. Small pieces and larger ones arranged in disarray and hectic proportions.

  She is made up of mosaic pieces that have collected on her since the day she was born. Through unforeseen circumstances and unavoidable collisions, she has become broken.  She did not shatter like a rare vase when it is dropped onto unforgiving concrete; she broke one piece at a time like melting ice off of a glacier. She did not realize the depths of the damage until one piece slid off of her life, exposing her to the cold elements of heart break- true and dark heart break. 

 With broken pieces lying around her- jagged and miscellaneous, she picked them up one by one and held onto them through bruised and weak hands.  What was she to do with such a collection?  She carried pieces of herself around, but they were just that-pieces.  She had forgotten what it was like to be whole, to be loved, to be herself.  And with only pieces to look to for reference, she could only yearn to remember the full picture.  So, day and night and every hour between, she grieved over what had been broken and stripped from her. 

 
Through her scratched and blurry lens, she could only see that others had so much more than she had.  Other women were beautiful, never lacking, and most importantly whole.  She cowered in their shadows they cast over her.  She closed her eyes to their perfection and yearned to be whole again just as they were.  As she walked passed each embodiment of perfection, the sound of broken pieces of herself resounded in her ears. With each rhythmic step she heard:

You.

Are.

Not.

Whole.

You.

Lack.

It.

All.

You.

Are.

Not.

Loved.

You.

Are.

Still.

Broken.

   Her heart had hardened to the words that she told herself, they had become every bit as true as the color of her own eyes.  As she lay in her bed at night; the pieces of her past jabbed at her side and prevented her to dream of her future. With each toss and turn, she agonized over where she had been and where she longed to be. With each breath in and out, she tried to replace what was broken for the exchange of something whole. What replaced her exhalation of bad thoughts, though were the same bad thoughts-she breathed recycled air.

  One day, a larger piece broke and with it her spirit resigned.  She picked up the broken piece and with new determination tried to make something out of it.  She arranged the pieces of past and present into a pattern with the hope that it would work out.  Beneath the potter's hand, her heart was softened and a love stronger than mortar or clay replaced her weakened foundation.  Every piece of hurt and every jagged painful memory coincided with one another and unified in the new creation. 

 
As she walked by those that had embodied perfection to her previously, she realized the small broken pieces that were being carried in their arms. The realization that everyone is broken had never occurred to her. She was able to see that brokenness is only what one allows it to be. Broken pieces can be reminders of how something used to be, or they can be small pieces to a new and bigger picture. She realized that carrying brokenness and wearing it were two different things. Wearing her brokenness allowed her to empty her hands and to help others.

  Brokenness isn't a state of beauty, but one of weakness.

  It's weak to strive for beauty in any other way than by dealing with brokenness.

   Be a mosaic beauty.

Let Go And Let God?

   I will be going to my fourth doctor's appointment in two weeks today.  I am filled with the same feelings that come with each appointment: anxiety, worry, and hope.  There is an internal struggle in me to trust God, but also to not get my hopes up.  I'm sure that the Christian cliche' saying "Let go and let God" hasn't gone unheard by many of you.  I struggle with the popular saying because it's thrown around in the Christian community carelessly and without much thought.  Let go and let God?  Some days I'd rather people just speak from the heart instead of throwing rehearsed sayings at each other.  It lacks depth and sincerity. 

  I have realized, too, that I have become a tough woman and that I often relapse into my own strength without including God in on the equation.  I wish that I were tough like the ladies on 'Steel Magnolias' and that even something as tragic as the death of loved one could be handled with class and strength for at least a little while.  I'm strong in another way- a stubborn way.  I do what I can and then ask God to help with the rest. In the Christian community  there are cliche' sayings that are meant to bring comfort; but in the end seem hollow.  I am a Christian and I love God without a doubt.  I just can't be content with the norm of Christian circles because sometimes it lacks authenticity.  "Let go and let God?"- I'm not so sure that God wants that for us.  Of course we should trust him and love him enough to allow him to guide us, but that saying seems to make God out to be a control freak.  I believe that God helps us in our journey.  God is something that most Christians are not : hands on.  Maybe he doesn't demand that we give up our free will only to let him come in and take over.  Maybe his love for us is demonstrated more when we invite him in to the situation, heartache, confusion; and allow him to be present.

   I was thinking of the nervousness that I have about my appointment and the hope that is hinging on it.  "Let go and let God." came to my mind and I wrestled with it because I don't think that is God's heart for me right now.  I believe that God does want me to surrender control of my health, but I also feel that I still have a lot of responsibility.  It is still my responsibility to care for myself, take the right steps to advocate for my health, and to trust God.  I just don't believe that telling someone to "Let go and let God" covers the bases of their pain nor does it reveal a compassionate listener.  Why do we say the things that we say as Christians?  I believe a lot of it has to do with being taught what to say and hearing Christian lingo that is meant to convey our spirituality.

  I hope that as a Christian I can establish a personal relationship with God and not one full of jargon, "to do lists", and empty spirituality.  God wants the same for all of us.  Today's appointment is in God's hands, but he is present with me- we are a team.

The Time My Mother-In-Law Made Me Cry

   It's not what you think. She didn't insult me or punch me in the face.  She wasn't rude or sarcastic like Marie on 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.  We didn't go back and forth with pranks and harsh stares like on 'Monster-In-Law'. She doesn't laugh sadistically like Jane Fonda and I don't look like Jennifer Lopez.

   This morning, I called my mother-in-law to check in on her (and to apologize for upsetting her yesterday, there...I admit it, I'm mean!).  The conversation went in a totally different direction and it couldn't have turned out any better than it did.  God really used her to show me things in my life that have gone ignored.  I know that I did one blog entry already today and this one pretty much picks up where the other one left off.  My mother-in-law share with me how that she wants to know what is going on in my life, but that I seem to push family away; she is right.  I sit around and feel sorry for myself wondering why no one is there for me when all along people are calling to check on me and sending me their love. 

  Ugh! Why do I do this?  Well, she helped me to discover the answer to that, too. The fact is that I feel like I am a burden to the people that love me most.  That is a lie that I have believed for a long time, now.  I mentioned some of this in my last post, but everything was confirmed in my conversation with Ma. I have felt that people are too busy, too worried, or too confused by my situation to care.  It isn't that way at all.  I have a nasty habit of pushing love away. Surely I'm not the only one, though...right?  We all push love and blessing away at some point in our lives.  I can express love all day and be a support and encouragement to those that I love, but accepting the same in return is something all together different.  I believe that it stems from two deep-rooted issues:

1) Pride- feeling that I am self-sufficient I don't need them because I can do this myself.

2)Feeling unworthy- feeling that I don't deserve love and support. They shouldn't have to hear about my issues when they have so many things going on.

 So, it all becomes a tangled up mess of nastiness and in the end I haven't been helped at all because no one ever knew that I needed it.  So, Ma, thank you for making me cry with the realization that I am adored and that nothing-and I mean nothing-can take the support of family from me.

I cannot do it alone. (None of us can)
I am loved. (All of us are)
I need help from my family. (All of us do)

Confessions of a Tired Girl

  Matt always jokes with me saying that I am like a toddler- when I get tired, hungry, or hurt I throw a proper tantrum. Lucky guy, getting to marry me and all. : ) Anyway, I have been on a two month tantrum and because of that, I have become even more exhausted than I was before with whatever is going on with my body.  I have felt as if I've been in a deep state of depression although I have masked it with humor, smiles, and hobbies that I enjoy.

 My MRI results came back normal. I cannot even tell you how thankful I am about that! With the new symptoms that I've picked up on this journey of being ill, I was concerned that something would show on the MRI.  Upon hearing the news, though, part of me was disappointed.  I'm not sure that many people will understand this unless you have gone through an undiagnosed or chronic illness.  I have put my hope in the hands of many doctors and each time they have come back with hands empty of answers or resolve for my situation.  Feeling horrible daily and not having any answers is enough to drive any person crazy. 

  Thankfully, I had my best friend and her husband here the day that I got my MRI done.  They were waiting for me at home and as I walked through our front door, I was able to release the anxiety from the appointment into a hug and a very fun and busy weekend.  The timing of their visit couldn't have fallen any better and having them here filled me with joy to push me along on this difficult road.  My health didn't necessarily come up in conversation; it didn't have to.  The presence of friends gave me the dose of encouragement that I needed.

  Fast forward to  Monday when I got the call that the results came back normal.  I got the call and although I was relieved, I couldn't help but to cry.  I cried because I don't just want a process of elimination, I want answers.  I want a diagnosis more than I even want to get well. It's the not knowing that drives me up the wall; fills me with anxiety and depression.  I made an appointment with my doctor and talked with her openly about how I've been feeling emotionally.  I looked at her and through tears I told her that I'm giving up.  She smiled patiently at me and said, "No, I know you're not giving up because you are here." I didn't get a prescription for anti-depressants because I had a horrible reaction to the last one I was on.  She did talk to me about seeking out a counselor and beginning the counseling process again..

   I realized the irony of my situation as I was trying to fall asleep last night.  I want so badly to get well, but I haven't been taking proper care of myself.  I eat, sleep, and drink like anyone needs to survive, but I have pushed myself down into a pit and I haven't bothered getting out.  I am a people person and anyone that knows me recognizes that. Through this lull of unanswered questions and at times what I feel are unanswered prayers, I have given up little by little.  My resignation has been subtle and quiet.  I don't return calls from friends, I turn down invitations to go out, I obsess over what people think of me; and all of this has worn me out!  Slowly, I have created my own little world where only my illness and I reside.  Occasionally, I allow Matt in and other loved ones, but with a paranoid spirit. They don't really think I'm sick.  I'm not as fun to be around as I used to be. I'm less of a person than I used to be. Everyone would be better off without me.

  Last night, all of this came into focus and I realized something really unsettling- I've been letting my life pass me by.  My illness can only rob me of things if I allow it to.  People that don't think I'm really ill and aren't going to support me possibly don't belong in my life anyway.  At the same time, the people that are supporting me can't be pushed away from me anymore. Why? Because I realize that this whole situation is bigger than I am and God has given me friends and family to speak into my life and carry me when I can't walk.  My writing can only suffer from my illness if I lock my passion, pen, and paper into a closet and allow all three to collect dust.  My marriage doesn't always feel fair- I feel that Matt holds both of us up most of the time.  My illness can only weaken our marriage if I allow my negative thoughts and insecurities wrap themselves around me.  Marriage is team work and if this trial has taught Matt and I anything it is that we literally cannot get through tough stuff without doing it together.

   I determined in my heart last night that I will allow God and others to carry me through this.  I can't do it alone and sitting in my desperation and depression isn't an option anymore.  I have to take better care of myself because people are depending on me. I can't sell myself short and think that this is all there is to me- that I'm some half-person with half-dreams and no ambition or purpose. I'm kicking this pity party to the curb! If I get well then thank God and if not, then he is no less God than I am less his.

  I decided that I needed tangible things to do in order to carry on my new attitude. Something that has been a huge struggle for me is establishing a routine.  Since I have no idea what my day to day will look like or how I will feel any given day, it's been difficult to have a routine or anything that resembles a routine.  Something that has been nearly impossible to tackle is exercise.  I set me alarm last night for the first time in months. I usually sleep as much as my body needs and then stumble through my day.

 This morning, I woke up at 7:30, 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off, got dressed in my work-out gear and hit the road for an early morning jog. I jogged with the help of listening to The Bravery and Ok Go. I realized how out of shape I have gotten over the past year.  Being skinny doesn't mean you're in shape at all! I was breathing like I had run a 5K and my legs felt like jello. I was weak and shaking like a baby deer. Ha Ha! I jogged half a mile and then walked the half mile back home. As soon as I hit the drive way, I nearly cried because I was so proud of myself. It felt SO GOOD to push myself and go through with the jog. This accomplishment was HUGE for me!

  When I got inside, I showered and then made myself a 3 egg white breakfast and drank my vitamin supplement.  I'm going to make sure I eat a healthy lunch with substance to it.  I am exhausted just from what the past three hours has brought, but the important thing is that I did it! I didn't do it for anyone else other than myself and that in itself is another huge accomplishment.  With the low self-esteem I have carried around with me, doing something for myself was a huge step in the right direction.

  I am sorry to those of you that I have distanced myself from.  I am working on gaining myself back and working on friendships and relationships that have weakened because of my depression. Thank you to everyone for your love and your support.  Matt, I love you and I cannot tell you how thankful I am to you for believing in me and pointing me back in the right direction when I am feeling lost and worthless.

 If any one needs accountability in creating a routine or needs to chat about any similar things that I wrote about please talk to me. I don't just write to get things off of my chest, I also write in hopes to help others.

With love. xoxo

Designs by Newbauer

  Matt and I moved to Virginia in July and moved into a house.  We went from living in a 2 bedroom apartment in Concord, New Hampshire to living in a 4 bedroom house!  It didn't take long to realize that we didn't have enough furniture to fill the house or enough artwork and pictures for the walls.  Being in the transitional stages of making the move and also living on one income, we knew that the thrifty parts of our brain would have to kick in if we wanted to make the house a home.

  Being thrifty is something that Matt and I really enjoy, so we made a game out of it.  We took what little money we had and set out to see how inventive we could be.  We expect a call from Donald Trump to be his next apprentice! Between ideas of our own and the freebies from family- we hit the jack pot!  If any of you know my mama and my papaw they have just about anything you will ever need to decorate a house.  Yard sales are prevalent in their area so they are always grabbing good finds.  Decorating on a tight budget isn't as bad as it may seem- you just need a little creativity, teamwork, and coffee as needed!

 Matt and I have a personal style of decorating like every one does.  Our goal with the house was to make it as welcoming and comfortable as possible since we love hosting out of town (sometimes out of country) guests. We wanted to make it especially welcoming to family since we hadn't had the opportunity to live close to family and host them until now. We wanted to avoid over-crowding the walls, shelves, and tables with excess decorations to give the house a relaxing atmosphere.  With little money and a lot of space to cover, we also didn't want the walls to look bare and cold. I'm really proud of the solutions that we found.

Below are two art pieces hanging in our living room.  These frames are simple white frames that we bought at IKEA for $2.99/each.  Inside the frame, I displayed sheets of scrap booking paper that I found at Michael's for .89/each! That's less than $5 for this project! I simply cut the paper to size and put it in the frame. This was a cheap alternative to buying a 'travel theme' art piece. We made our own! Craft stores have plenty of scrap booking paper to choose from- There are a lot of themes and colors to choose from.  This also makes your art pieces easy to switch out when you get tired of them.

The one below is one that is going to be used in our kitchen (yes, it is turned the wrong way-sorry!):

The photo below is an old advert from a 1950's National Geographic Magazine. The magazines were bought at a yard sale for only .25/each! Total cost of this project is les than $3.00! The advert reads: How to win the battle of the bulge. Perfectly ironic for a kitchen art piece!

For the office, we knew exactly what we wanted.  We wanted to do a clash of modern meets antique.  It was important to us to use bold colors and make it a good work environment. Matt and I wanted to use this room to incorporate all things English since that is where our story together began.

This antique typewriter was given to us by my papaw. The 'Nat. Geo.' magazines (1951-1959) were $2.00 for all of them! The table is from IKEA and was $7.00. That means that this little nook was less than $10 to create!

Our English Office is coming together nicely. More photos to follow.  The desk wasn't what we had wanted in the first place.  Originally, I wanted a HUGE oak antique desk, but with difficulty being able to locate what I wanted for the price we needed, we threw out the idea and went for something a little more modern. We found this IKEA desk at a Habitat for Humanity store for less than half the price they are sold for at IKEA! We scored the desk for $50, which was a great price for something we are going to use and keep for a very long time! The gray paint was left for us by my mother-in-law (thanks Ma!). The other three walls are painted a neutral cream color which gives the room a bold look-having the gray wall stick out. The only thing bought at full price in this room was the painting on the wall and the red desk chair-total of both together was less than $70!

*I will include more photos of the office soon!*

                 So, there you have it!  You can decorate any space with little money and little effort.

Thank You

      Thank you to every one that has been praying for me today.  I woke up this morning to a lot of lovely texts and messages on Facebook; I was so very thankful! My appointment went well today and the doctor took the time to listen to me.  I impressed he and his office with the preparations that I had made for my appointment.  I walked in with my complete medical files (about 400 pages) and a typed out list of my symptoms.  He laughed at me and said that people never come to appointments prepared like that.  I told him that I was my own advocate and that I'm working very hard to get to the bottom of what's going on with my body.

       My initial exam didn't show any signs of neurological problems. I had to touch my finger to my nose, walk a straight line, and bend over and stand up straight again.  It was just like a sobriety test! I only know that because I live with a cop, I promise!  Anyway, he said that my symptoms are unusual (duh) and that he wants me to have a MRI to see if they can find any indication that I may have MS.  He said my symptoms don't align totally with MS since I have never lost my vision or had blurred vision.  The MRI will detect any abnormalities that could be there.  It's really all a process of elimination.  I don't have much to share other than that.  My MRI is scheduled for next week as well as the follow-up appointment with the doctor. 

       Matt was able to catch the tail end of my appointment and just having him there with me for those last few minutes really strengthened me.  I left my appointment one step ahead of myself-wondering what will happen if they don't find anything on the MRI;wondering what will happen if no body ever figures out what is going on with my body.  I really had to rely on God in that moment.  It wasn't a super spiritual moment and my heart wasn't fully at peace, but I just took in a deep breath and tried to focus on the moment instead of those moments to come.

       I left the office and on my way home I got pulled over by a police officer because I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign (stupid-don't try it).  I fully expected the whole situation to send me over the edge and into a crying fit, but all I could do was laugh.  I have to go to driving school now which is really ironic since I'm married to a cop.  I asked Matt if he could just give me lessons, but he didn't think it was funny. 

       So, thank you to every one that supported me today and will continue to support me through this.  I choose to share my health concerns with you for two reasons: one is because I got to the point where I really needed to reach out and ask for prayer and support; the other reason is I hope that I can help someone else that my be in a situation similar to mine. To all of you- thank you.

When Holding On To Hope Exhausts You

   
                When asked how she got through the horrible ordeal she lifted her eyes slightly allowing the light to illuminate them; showing the small specks of green swimming in the blue of the iris.  Her mouth was relaxed and slightly open at the question like she had to breathe in an answer and then exhale it slowly.  With a sigh and the relaxation of her shoulders she leaned forward on her chair;allowing the light to completely shine on her face.  Her red hair beneath the light was shiny like it was made of a golden-auburn thread. Her hair looked natural, and the fact that she had bought it in a wig shop in the next city over was not obvious.  Her lips parted and a smile stretched gently over her pale and weathered face. 

             "I just did." she answered. "I just woke up every morning and focused on getting through that day."

                 Her body was frail and the chair that she sat on looked stronger than she was.  She played with the rings on her left hand, a modest engagement ring and a thin gold band.  She smiled nervously as she waited for the next question.  The interviewer hesitated for a moment as he looked at the paper in his lap; then continued.

 "Did you know that you were going to survive?"

"Know?  I don't suppose anyone really knows if they will survive cancer, but I would say that I didn't doubt that I would survive."

 "Can you explain that?"

        She shifted in her seat and twisted her engagement ring and wedding band to the left; then the right.

"I was just hopeful.  I was never sure that I would live through it, but I chose to do my best and make the best of it.  I told my husband that I may not be here to celebrate our next anniversary, but it wouldn't be because I gave up hope."

"Hmmm, I see.  So, Rachel how did you hold on to hope?  Most people in your situation would probably fall into a deep depression."

         Rachel, without thinking softly said, "It's a choice.  Just like cancer, hope knows no limits, age, race, or walk of life.  I would lay in my bed some days and spend that entire day grieving my condition, but at the end of the day when I closed my eyes to sleep I was still hopeful. It was exhausting to be fighting a horrible illness and my own depression; I held on, though."

"What would you tell others that are going through what you have been through?"

        Rachel twisted her rings once more and cleared her throat as tears formed in her eyes.  She looked down at her rings and then back up at the camera.

"Hope is yours to have; although it may exhaust you to hold on tightly to it, don't let go. When holding onto hope exhausts you, it will always give you the strength you need."

        
*********************************************************************************

     The strange thing about this blog is that it turned out totally different than I had intended.  I have an important doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It has been a long 3 years of trying to figure out what has been going on with my body.  These past few days have been the worst that my body has seen in a long time.  I'm happy to have an appointment, but as always I become anxious before an appointment.  My intention with this blog was to get on here and ask for every one's prayers for tomorrow's appointment.  I have been to so many doctors and with each one I have become so full of hope only to be let down with them not finding an answer.

   I have been thinking that if this next doctor doesn't find anything then I'm just going to throw my arms up in the air and quit.  I'll be devastated and just give up.  I'll stop trying to figure it all out and fall into an even deeper pit of despair.  Sounds so dramatic, right? 
  
    Well, I got on here to write and all of a sudden I was imagining this woman in my mind sitting down on the other side of her illness.  I pictured a survivor of cancer and the words that she may have to share with those that are going through an illness.  I realize that people are fighting illness every day; they have stories to share.  If I give up on myself and the doctors that are trying to help me then I may never be someone else's story of hope.  I pray to God that they find out what is wrong with me because honestly, I am so exhausted from getting hopes up and then having them crushed.

     As Rachel said, though, "Hope is yours to have; although it may exhaust you to hold on tightly to it, don't let go. When holding on to hope exhausts you, it will always give you the strength you need."

Pearls for a Gypsy Jewelry!

                                        'Pearl Girl'-  made with gray and white "glass pearls".    

 'The Courtney'- cream ribbon and thin bronze wire braided with glass pearls. Glass pendant with a woman's face.

'The Victoria'- a locket with removable photo to replace with a photo of your own. Delicate black flower attached a small silver chain.

              So, I have been trying to think of ways to make money from home.  I have needed something that I can work on from home on the days that I'm not feeling well.  Having something that has the potential to be a money-making hobby doesn't hurt either.  As I was trying to come up with ideas, I thought that I would give jewelry making a shot.  I went to the craft store and bought some inexpensive supplies to get started.  The idea was a great one, but I had to make sure I could actually make jewelry in the first place.

             I made the three necklaces that you see as well as the earrings with the few supplies that I bought.  I had a blast making them!  The necklaces are far from perfect, but the prototypes didn't turn out half bad! I'm hoping that I can gain people's interest via my blog, word of mouth, and Facebook.  I don't currently have any other pieces or a price list, but if you're interested please let me know.  I'd like to get an idea if people are interested in the first place. 

            It's that time of year again- where Christmas shopping has begun! I'm planning on making a lot of different designs and then beginning to take orders. Please let me know what you think of these pieces. Thanks!

Somewhere West of Sorrow

        I've undertaken a large writing project that I hope will end up in your hands or on your Kindle one day.  I'm in the beginning stages of writing a book.  Of course only time and God will tell if it will ever be published, but it's serving as therapy to me in the process.  It's amazing how putting pen to paper can unveil a mass of emotions that have been brewing for a while.  I think that the beauty in writing is being able to express those feelings in a raw way. It goes beyond having a creative outlet or simply communicating with people. 

        The piece I am currently working on surrounds my father's death in 2009.  It has been a couple of years now, and as time has gone by I have been able to deal with the immediate sorrow and sadness that his death brought to me.  The grieving stages don't come in chronological order like something you can go through and check off one by one.  Grieving comes in swift and strong waves. Just as you are working on the sorrow of it all anger sweeps over you like a cold winter wind.  When you feel that you have dealt with the anger the sense of denial fools your mind once again into thinking everything is ok.  Like a raging storm, grief has the power to tear you apart or motivate you to seek temporary shelter. We create make-shift shelters to weather the storm.  We build careers, seek love, keep busy, and anything that can distract us from what's going on outside. If we seek shelter in every storm, though, how can we move through the storm? Sure, the storm may pass but another one comes to replace it. We all choose our time of going outside and letting the rain fall on us-dealing with things.

          There is a quote that I've always liked because it paints the perfect picture of what our hardships can do to us if we don't find a way to deal with them.

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."--Anais Nin

          Two years since my father's death I still have a lot of questions and things that I wish I would have said but didn't get the chance to say.  Our relationship was complicated and with that came awkward moments, pain, and disappointment but the fact is that it was still a relationship.  I have needed to take a walk in the rain and really experience the emotions that have come with losing him.  For some reason our society tells us that getting over something is the same as getting through it.  That's not true at all.  Getting through something requires a lot of effort-you have to get dirty and pick things apart.  Getting over something only requires one thing and that is building a make-shift shelter and denying that it's raining at all. 

          Writing is my way of dealing with the crap that life throws at me.  I'm not some perfectly emotionally stable person that gets everything out on paper.  I usually have to get overwhelmed and take a lot on myself before I finally admit that I need to deal with things.  I want you to think of something that is unique to you- something that will help you to work through things and not just get over them.  It's raining outside, the waves are crashing on the rocks and the water is rising- do something for yourself.

   

On Strike!

            After weeks of running around, painting, mowing the lawn (having the mower break 3 times in the process), decorating, unpacking boxes, and every other chore you can imagine- Matt and I are taking a break!  Tonight, we're both going on strike! No house work allowed.  No errands to run.  We've got every intention of doing absolutely nothing!

            It's crazy how quickly time goes by when you're busy. Forget the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!" It goes even faster when you're busy! Maybe the saying should be "Time flies when you're keeping busy!"  Which leads me to another popular saying "Why did the chicken cross the road?"  I think I have the answer.

"The chicken crossed the road to go to Lowe's to buy paint and painting supplies, to go to IKEA to get cheap things that it needed, to fix the mower, to drop off dry cleaning, to run to Target for that thing it forgot yesterday, to run to Target again for that thing that it forgot just now, to run to Target again for that second thing that wasn't the right thing in the first place, to run to get take-out for dinner, to go to Pier 1 to use a coupon that doesn't make a bit of difference because at the end of the day expensive is still expensive, to run to Target again to get the stupid trash bags it forgot on the third trip."  Then, the chicken got home and swears it was hit by a truck when it crossed the road.

            So, I think you get the point.  Tonight is for resting! Enjoy your weekend everyone!

It's All Perspective

            This photo was taken on St. Simon's Island in Georgia.  Matt thought it would be funny if I climbed the tree in my cowboy boots- that it would look "authentically Tennessee" as he put it.  I'm sitting in a tree that is really low to the ground actually, but with a little camera magic and a nifty angle it looks like I climbed a massive tree. Knowing that I'm sitting in a tree that is low to the ground probably changes your perspective a little bit.

           I had a huge change in perspective today.  I was whining and complaining about how I've been wanting to make money from home.  I recently took a job as a nanny for fewer than 15 hours a week.  I realize that my health is fragile, though, and that I may be faced with having to resign if it becomes too much on my body.  I've been looking into several options on how to make money from home, but a lot of them (such as Pampered Chef and Mary Kay) require a lot of running around making home visits, doing shows, and spending money out of pocket.  I suppose I've felt really helpless in the situation- sitting at home and not bringing in an income.  I don't have any obligations or anyone else to care for during the day so being in a continuous state of "blah" gets really old really fast.

           I've always looked up to my mom because she has been able to run her small business from home. She makes crafts from old antique quilts and she does well.  I've never been into crafting believe it or not.  I guess God just didn't wire me like that. I'm wired to be a writer, but we all know that becoming a famous writer is a shot in the dark.  Actually making money as a writer is as likely as moving to Hollywood and signing a contract with an agent the day your plane lands.  It's all perspective,  though, right?  Sure, it seems unlikely, but how did now- famous actors get where they are today?  A lot of hard work!  So, as I was wondering what I should do and what the point of it all is anyway, I had a change of heart.  My perspective changed quickly.

          I asked myself how badly I want to be a writer.  If it came down to working hard through rejections, aggravation, and sacrifice to be a writer would I do it?  Would I work harder to achieve this than I have worked on anything else before?  Would I work through my sickness, insecurities, and failures to make this happen?  Would I leave to chance everything and admit that I can only do what I'm willing to work hard at?  A passion arose in me-  one that had been gone for some time.  I want to write.  Regardless of failure, ridicule, and hardship I want to write.  And I'm not just going to write pieces for them to sit on my laptop unseen, I'm going to write to be heard!  I'm going after this with audacity because that's what it's going to take.

         I realize that money-making writing isn't something that happens over night.  It takes a long time just to hear back from magazines and publications.  It takes longer than that for them to actually cut you a check.  So, I thought of something that I'm going to take a try at.  I'm going to see how good I am at making jewelry!  Now, by your perspective this whole blog just isn't adding up. To me, though, it's all part of a plan.  If by chance I can make jewelry and sell it, I'm going to use the profit to put toward my writing.  Whether it's buying ink cartridges for the printer, investing in creative writing courses, or eventually self-publishing- it's all going to be worth while! There isn't anything that's going to stop me now. I've decided that this is it.  So, with a new perspective I'm going for it!

       If it turns out that I can't make jewelry and there's not a crafty bone in my body, then I'll just write about how I can't make jewelry. : )

No Bitching for 30 Days

      I woke up this morning thinking about this summer.  I guess I woke up thinking about summer because I know it's far behind us now and that the next season is winter (ugh!). I thought back on how Matt and I were living in New Hampshire and even a New Hampshire summer is better than no summer at all. During the summer, I would go to the pool almost every day.  The pool wasn't too far from our front door which was nice.  Because I would go to the pool in the middle of the day, there weren't many (as in any) women my age.  There were older women that would be there with their grand kids or middle aged stay at home moms.  I would do my best to make small talk when I first got to the pool and then I would find a lounge chair.  I would lay back, put my sunglasses on, and eavesdrop on other people's conversations. What? It's not like you've never done that before!

       This morning, I remembered one particular conversation that I over heard. It wasn't hard to over hear because the women were talking so loud! Please conjure up your best New Hampshire accent as you read this conversation:

"Reida, oh my gad! I hafta tellya somethin'! Yestaday there wasa lady here! Reida, I swear ta gad she was awearin' tha most ungadly bathin' suit eva! It was way too small fa' her!"

"Oh ma gad! I know whoya talkin' 'bout! She's big asa whale! Tha bathin' suit is blue, right Teresa?"

*Giggles*
*Snorting*

"Yeah! She looks like somekinda whale alright! I thought she was gonna fall right outta all that blue! Swear to gad they woulda hadta scrape me offtha floor!"

*Giggles*
*Snorting*
*High pitched giggles*
*Snorting*
*Coughing*
*Giggles*

      Soon after that, I couldn't handle pool side drama anymore. I got my things and went home.  Remembering that story reminded me of how mean women are! We can be so mean! We're ruthless when it comes to trashing other women.  We can be really mean and do a lot of damage without ever looking like The Hulk. We can actually still look cute when being mean.  It's a snide comment here and there.

     I'm proposing 'No Bitching for 30 Days'. 30 whole days of thinking twice (sometimes five times) before talking.  You can join me in this if you want. If not, that's ok too.  'No Bitching for 30 Days' looks a little like this:

*30 Days of not gossiping. NONE! Get your facts straight before you form an opinion on some one else's life!

*30 Days of not disguising gossip with prayer. "Well, she told me not to tell anyone,  but I'll tell you because I know you'll pray for her." BITCH! We all know that nobody is praying for her.

*30 Days of not complaining about your mom, sisters, and female in-laws!

*30 Days of choosing encouraging words instead of hurtful ones.

*30 Days of letting women dress how they want without giving your opinion verbally or mentally. It's not like you're getting your fashion sense from Vogue anyway!

*30 Days of taking up for another woman in a conversation that is at her expense.

*30 Days of not butting in on another woman's financial situation, relationship, health, wardrobe, and personal life only to share it with someone else.

*30 Days of being honest with another woman when she hurts your feelings instead of bitching about her later.

Who's with me? Day 1 of 'No Bitching for 30 Days' begins now!

Routine Rookie

         So, every day is different for me.  Because I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up, I usually don't plan things in advance.  I have days when I get a lot done, but most days I don't get much done at all.  The problem I have is that I'm the type of person that loves having control over my day.  I like completing tasks and feeling a sense of accomplishment.  Since being ill my days are left to chance- like playing the lottery.  It really hurts my pride when I can't do the smallest task like putting away laundry or running the dishwasher. I've decided to put myself on a small routine.  I can't make the routine too elaborate and detailed, but I need some structure to both get things done and feel like I'm able to accomplish something!

          There are four areas that are most important to me that I'm going to include in my new routine:

1) Being intentional in what I eat. (Ex: Foods that I know will give me energy and build up my immune system) Also eating at the same time every day and taking my vitamins daily without fail.

2) Choosing one small task to complete each day. Anything else that I am able to do will be great, but not expected.

3) Focusing on my writing.  I want so badly to help people in my similar situation.  I'm going to work on my writing as if it is literally my job.  I'm going to aim to write something each day or work on a large project daily.  I believe that God has plans for my writing whatever that may mean.

4) Keep in touch with family and friends more faithfully.  When I'm feeling my worst I tend to push people away.  I get embarrassed when I can't focus on a conversation and I get tired of people always asking how my health is.  I know people are genuinely concerned for me, but I also want to be seen for myself- not just being ill.  I've realized that isn't fair to those that I love.  I'm going to make an effort to keep in touch with family and friends.

      So, there it is.  I'm not able to make a strict timed routine, but I hope that this will add structure to my life. If any of you read this and you need routine in your life and would like to hold each other accountable let me know! It's always great to have a partner in any goal!

I did it!

    So, something just happened that is pretty crucial. I did online shopping for groceries! I woke up this morning feeling horrible. I'm having a bad day as far as my health is concerned.  On days like this I usually attempt to do everything the difficult way to prove to myself that I'm capable of doing things.  I suppose you could label that with a cute little word: denial. I woke up this morning at 8:30, got out of bed and my body decided that it didn't want to work properly.  I then went back to bed after letting Massy out and slept until...get this...12:30! I dragged myself out of bed and then realized that I have to go grocery shopping. Ugh! Then, I realized that the grocery store down the road (Harris Teeter) does online shopping.  The way it works is you order online and then pick it up a few hours later at the curb side.

   It took me a while to talk myself into taking the option.  On days like this when my body isn't friends with me, it is difficult to go shopping.  I have a hard time concentrating and sometimes I have to leave before checking out if I start to feel too weak.  I owned up to it today and told myself that getting over my pride and actually taking advantage of useful option was more important than getting to the store and bottoming out.  So, I did it! I actually did something to prefer my health!  This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it's huge to me since I often choose self-sufficiency over what is best.  Of course I'm not going to take advantage of the program every grocery shop, but I sure am thankful that it was available for me on a day that I am unable.

There you have it.  I did it!

Providence, Beyond Rhode Island

      I feel like I've been sitting on a dock for a long time.  A dock that doesn't lead to water, but instead leads to a positive change.  I've been sitting on the edge of the dock letting my toes occasionally dip into what is good and positive. There have been days that I have wanted to run far from the edge of the dock and run to seek shelter.  I stand to leave and realize that I cannot run any further away from my problems than I have already attempted to in the past. I have remained on the dock afraid to jump in to change because I have been weak, scared, but mostly I have felt unable.  I have even felt unworthy at times.

     Matt and I have been searching for a good church for the past two years.  We didn't really find a home church in New Hampshire.  Upon moving to Virginia we decided that the need to be part of a community is too important to ignore.  We went to a couple of churches in August that neither of us liked.  The churches weren't what we were looking for personally.  We have been craving a genuine community of believers- a community that isn't an institution or organization.  We've been searching for something organic and pure.  Both of us have been part of churches in the past that were excellent in community, but lacking in doctrine.  We've also experienced churches that are great as a "business" but not as a community.  Today, we went to a church by chance because we saw a bummer sticker that said "Life Church" and we decide to check it out.

    Firstly, the church meets in a barn. How cool is that? It does sound a bit country, but it's not at all.  The church holds all of the contemporary expectancies of a modern day church, but it's within the walls of a rugged barn.  We were greeted by so many people that actually had an interest in us.  The worship was amazing, but it was the sermon that made all of the difference to me.  I haven't exactly been in tune with God for what seems like forever.  The hardships with my health have occupied all of my energy, time, and efforts.  If I am honest, I haven't believed that God was near to me and I've doubted his care for me.  I have been asking the questions: Why has God allowed this to happen to me?  Why has he let this happen for 3 years?  God has the power to change my situation at any point.  I have gone to doctors countless times and by now God could have pinpointed on any blood test what is going on with me.  He hasn't done anything, though.  Today my view changed.  It isn't that God hasn't done anything, but he has done everything.

     The pastor talked about how God is the God of Providence. He talked about how God PRESERVES us through the storms of life.  He talked about how God PROVIDES for us.  He finished by saying that God is PRESENT.  I haven't had a problem wondering if God has preserved me or provided for Matt and I through all of this.  I haven't felt that God has been present, though.  I have felt that God allowed this illness to take place only to watch me from a distance and that he would come around again if I begged, pleaded, or strived hard enough.  I've viewed God as this careless god that is playing horrible mind games with me.  I've been so angry with him for the longest time.  With every day that I wake up feeling weak I have become more bitter.  With every time that I have to ask Matt to help me up stairs or drive me somewhere because I'm unable my anger has grown.  Every day has slowly added up to years of blaming God for my illness. 

     The idea of God being present isn't very complicated at all, but my mind checked out a long time ago. If God truly is present then that means that I am not alone in this.  I have felt alone for so long. Yesterday, I was hanging my clothes up in my closet and my legs got really weak like they often do and I sat on the floor and cried for the longest time.  I cried because I felt like the smallest task was too hard for me.  My body was giving out in such a mundane task.  I cried because I was angry, scared, but most of all hurt. I cried to God begging him to take this from me.  Today, I look back on yesterday and even the past three years and I realize that if God is truly present in my life then that must mean he hasn't missed one thing that I have been through.  He has been in the tears that have fallen from my eyes.  He has felt my pain, my fear, and my weakness.  God has been there in the deepest darkest parts of what I have gone through. 

       Does that mean that I am totally encouraged and everything from here on out is going to be easy?  Maybe not.  It does mean that I have small doses of hope to carry me.  It means that God is never far from me.  I am still weak and my body is still not well- it really sucks, but I will never be alone.  I've been sitting on this dock for too long.  I'm going to jump in to something new- the belief that the God of Providence has my back and he carries me when I cannot walk.