America's Next Top Model?

It has been a tough year.

The later part of 2009 into all of 2010 brought with it many gifts wrapped in colorful boxes and presented to Matt and me during our first year of marriage.  We opened wedding gifts and had a wonderful time decorating our first place together.  We celebrated our Birthdays for the first time together after years of spending our relationship apart and only wishing each other a happy birthday over the phone. We enjoyed our first wedding anniversary and opened gifts given to us by our neighbors, new friends we made over the year, and boxes that family had sent with love from a distance.

Then, there were those gifts that we were given  that we wished to not open.  Please understand that I am only able to call them gifts now after many extremely low points and feeling like my head was under water.  We were given the gift of my health turning for the worst and Matt having to care for me like I was a child.  Honestly, many days I did act like a child because I was scared and unaware of what was going on with my body.  Matt would have to help me in and out of the shower and often cook for the two of us because I physically could not.  It does seem a bit dramatic, but what I share with you is true.  I found myself more weak, tired, and hopeless than I have ever been before.  On several occasions, Matt would have to come home early from work to take me to the doctor or find a friend to watch me during the day.

I struggled the most when I had to quit the job I loved to stay home and focus on getting well. I felt like I was disappointing Matt by not working and that I was the reason we were barely getting by financially.  I felt like I disappointed him each time he would plan great surprises for me and I would struggle to enjoy them because I felt so weak and tired.  Matt had planned a surprise trip to New York City for us and my disappointment of not being able to fully enjoy the trip weighed me down even further.  He took us to Lake Sunapee for dinner one night as a surprise (the photo posted was taken that night). I did my best to have a great time and to smile and laugh through how I really felt. I smiled for photos and cried on the inside. I noticed something in that moment.  I noticed then and have had to remind myself again and again that my illness has been a blessing for Matt and me. I noticed that me wanting to enjoy the trips wasn't for my sake, it was for his. I saw the effort he made and I wanted to appreciate all he had done. Somewhere along the way, my life had become more about him and less focused on myself.

I have been at my lowest of lows with him and he has stood by my side and at times had to pick me up in his arms and carry me.  He has seen how I cannot be and defiantly am not perfect.  I have seen the sacrifices that Matt has made and the joy that he has brought to me through the smallest of things. He has held me when I've been so angry with my illness that I just want to push everyone away.  Matt has assured me that my illness has not defined me, that we are all people set aside from what happens to us. Our circumstances don't define us.  Our communication has become stronger than I thought possible for a couple that has only been married for one year.  We love each other deeply and it's not because of met expectations. It's because of the willingness to deal with the circumstances that life has dealt us.

God has shown me through the hardship that it's OK to doubt God.  It's OK to tell God that I don't understand him, like him, or even love him at times. I know this because it has been in those moments of honesty with God that he goes the extra mile to prove that he does love me even when I don't love him.

As I write this, I have had several weeks of good health and am only looking up from here on.  Although, this gift wasn't expected and often felt more like a curse, I wouldn't take it back. Some of life's best gifts don't come in a box. I hope that this will encourage someone out there that is or has been dealing with a chronic or undiagnosed illness. 

I'm content to model hope instead of clothes on the runway.

An invitation to be accepted

Dear Nikki,

                Hey, what's wrong?  I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately.  I haven't heard from you in forever and I worry that we aren't as close as we used to be.  I miss hearing from you every day.  There is definitely a wedge between us and I'm just writing to see what it is I have done to make you so distant. 

                I have just a few suggestions that may help you to be who you used to be. Everyone loves that girl! I think that maybe you need to change your opinion on some things so that you're not standing out in the crowd so much. You should start working hard again at listening to every one's problems and tell people what they want to hear. 

               Always smile and never cry in front of people. Crying makes you appear like you are weak.  The anxiety you had before wasn't really all that bad, it pushed you to be a better person, so you should probably let things get to you a little more often.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?  While you're at it, you really need to work on having goals that line up with those around you. It makes for a great conversation piece if you're in on what everyone is talking about.  Also, you should sleep less and get more done.  I know you're apartment stays clean and all, but there's always room for improvement.

             Now, I get to the really important issues.  Your religion.  I know that you hate that word because you call it a "relationship".  However, "religion" or "relationship", you need to tone it down some.  It is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.  You should probably love people less than what you do because it makes you appear naive.  Also, wear those brown boots less often, that woman at the grocery store looked at you like you were way behind and not even close to Vogue. As a matter of fact, throw those things away! I know they are comfortable and keep you warm, but give those boots the boot!

            Ok, now, your sense of humor is not as funny as you think it is.  You should probably keep from telling jokes.  Especially refrain when you are in a large group! You embarrassed yourself last time, remember?  Your hair needs some updating.  Your sandy brown hair needs more color and volume.  Matt.  Now, he is another area we need to cover right now.  He probably thinks you're too clingy so you should be more self sufficient and give him more space than he probably even needs.  You should act tough with him at times and be less vulnerable, it makes you look week and needy. 

          I have more to cover with you, but cannot fit it into the time that I have right now.  We need to discuss this before New Year's Day! The new year is all about new resolutions and I'm going to make sure that 2011 is the perfect year for you!

Every one's Cherished Friend,

Acceptance





Dear Acceptance,

                        I'll do just fine in 2011 without you.  I'm ok with being me. As far as all of the advice you mentioned in your letter to me - no thanks! Right now, I'm wearing my brown boots, loving my relationship with God, my hair is staying as is, and when Matt gets home I'm going to love him vulnerably no strings of "needed acceptance" attached!

Nikki




             

Bare

She's bare.  Her body is covered with very small pieces of red cloth.  It looks like a makeshift skirt and tube top.  Her hair hangs heavily in her face, hiding her left eye.  I stand far off watching her and wondering what the night before had been like for her.  It was only late afternoon as my friend and I stood in the train station.  She seems so empty, so lost.  She leaves wet and muddy footprints on the train station floor as she makes her way to sit against the wall.  A guy holds her by the waist as they sit down, but in so many ways she is alone.

She looks so young- fifteen or sixteen at the most. He pulls her close to him to keep her warm.  Her nearly bare body shivers from the cold as she looks up at him.  Although I'm not close enough to see, I'm sure that her eyes show an emptiness.  "She's bare.", I keep thinking to myself.  Will she be held by a different guy tomorrow?  Whose arms will she trust?  Whose lips will she kiss as his words satisfy her longing for that moment?  Did her parents miss her not being home the night before? 

I stand there holding my friend's coffee and my heart cries for her.  I don't know her, but I want to.  She is a mystery to me.  She leans her head over onto the guy's shoulder and I wonder how much he cares about her.  He looks down at her and rolls his eyes and lets out a long sigh. His frustration is obvious.  Does he know her favorite color?  Does he know her biggest dreams and what she wants in life?  Does he know her favorite food and that she prefers daises over roses any day of the week?  Is her small bare body all that he sees? 

My friend and I slowly walk toward the platform as our train approaches.  As we do, I look at her more closely this time.  "She is bare. It's not fair, it never seems to be." I look through the window of the train as we take our seats and see her for the last time.  "She is bare.  One day, I hope she is clothed in true genuine love and acceptance."

Sisterhood

There is something special about the Christmas season. It's a season full of laughter, family traditions, and the perfect time to walk down memory lane. It is a season of thankfulness.  There are people that come into your life and leave their unique and individual fingerprints. You cannot experience life without remembering the impact they have made on you. Someone that has left a beautiful and priceless impact on my life is my best friend Nikki.  I often call her "My Nikki", "Sis", or "The Other Nikki". 

With our recent visit to see family in Tennessee, my husband and I were able to spend time with Nikki and her fiance' Jason. The time we shared with them was priceless! I look at the hard trials Nikki has had to endure in life and I look at who she has become despite those hardships and I smile.  I smile because she is a person to admire.  My love goes out to her because of the many sleepovers we had growing up, the many dozens of chocolate chip cookies we have shared, and the hardships we have gone through together.  My love reaches beyond that, though, because I see the example that Nikki has set in my life.  She has gone without a lot and lost even more, but she remains positive.  Nikki is always willing to make anyone laugh and she lights up a room with her amazing personality. She is lovely inside and out.  I have watched my sister become such a beautiful woman.  I am happy to know her. 

This Christmas season, I choose to focus on the amazing people that God has put into my life.  My family has grown as I have taken on a new family since getting married.  I am thankful for my family (both old and new!) and friends in my life. 

My Nikki, I am thankful for the friends that ARE family.