It seems that I have been searching for hope most persistently. There have been some struggles that I thought I would never face and others that have been building up one small descret worry at a time. It has been in times like these that I wish I didn't feel so deeply and that I wasn't such an emotional woman. Those of you that know me, know that I am most often eager to give and to share my heart with people.
Recently, I have felt like I have not had anything to give. I have been bare and exposed to the elements of life. The valley of discouragement has kept me longer than I wanted to stay.
It's times like these, though, that I have to appreciate who I am and how God made me even if I'm repulsive to myself at times. Being a sensitive person, I often carry guilt that I have no place to carry. Like a worn traveler with calusus on my hands and feet, I still carry a heavy load of guilt and sense of worthlessness when I could easily kneel down and leave it at the roadside.
I have started counseling sessions and they have proven to be both helpful and extremely difficult. It is amazing how much clutter can build up in our hearts and minds over time and gather dust like forgotton items in an attic.
During these trials that Matt and I are facing both seperatly, but together, I find an old passion awakened in me. I realize that I despise injustice. I hate lies and I am sickened by patterns of abuse and neglect in families. I become angry when I realize that not only me, but many other women have been neglected by their fathers and taken advantage of in many ways. It brings to the surface an anger that is pure in form. One that doesn't seek revenge, but rather wants to seek out and help those that are in need- to make a difference.
I am not even half way to where I want to be in cleaning out the attic of my past, but I have made an important first step. I have to help others the way that I am being helped now. There's no excuse not to.
Both Matt and I are going through different things at the moment, but I am often surprised by how God has allowed one of us to go through something before the other- it's asif we have been through a training course to help the other out.
If past hardships are like clutter in an attic, then I like to think that hope is the attic light- shining, albeit dimly, to show us the things we should part with.
