It has been a tough year.
The later part of 2009 into all of 2010 brought with it many gifts wrapped in colorful boxes and presented to Matt and me during our first year of marriage. We opened wedding gifts and had a wonderful time decorating our first place together. We celebrated our Birthdays for the first time together after years of spending our relationship apart and only wishing each other a happy birthday over the phone. We enjoyed our first wedding anniversary and opened gifts given to us by our neighbors, new friends we made over the year, and boxes that family had sent with love from a distance.
Then, there were those gifts that we were given that we wished to not open. Please understand that I am only able to call them gifts now after many extremely low points and feeling like my head was under water. We were given the gift of my health turning for the worst and Matt having to care for me like I was a child. Honestly, many days I did act like a child because I was scared and unaware of what was going on with my body. Matt would have to help me in and out of the shower and often cook for the two of us because I physically could not. It does seem a bit dramatic, but what I share with you is true. I found myself more weak, tired, and hopeless than I have ever been before. On several occasions, Matt would have to come home early from work to take me to the doctor or find a friend to watch me during the day.
I struggled the most when I had to quit the job I loved to stay home and focus on getting well. I felt like I was disappointing Matt by not working and that I was the reason we were barely getting by financially. I felt like I disappointed him each time he would plan great surprises for me and I would struggle to enjoy them because I felt so weak and tired. Matt had planned a surprise trip to New York City for us and my disappointment of not being able to fully enjoy the trip weighed me down even further. He took us to Lake Sunapee for dinner one night as a surprise (the photo posted was taken that night). I did my best to have a great time and to smile and laugh through how I really felt. I smiled for photos and cried on the inside. I noticed something in that moment. I noticed then and have had to remind myself again and again that my illness has been a blessing for Matt and me. I noticed that me wanting to enjoy the trips wasn't for my sake, it was for his. I saw the effort he made and I wanted to appreciate all he had done. Somewhere along the way, my life had become more about him and less focused on myself.
I have been at my lowest of lows with him and he has stood by my side and at times had to pick me up in his arms and carry me. He has seen how I cannot be and defiantly am not perfect. I have seen the sacrifices that Matt has made and the joy that he has brought to me through the smallest of things. He has held me when I've been so angry with my illness that I just want to push everyone away. Matt has assured me that my illness has not defined me, that we are all people set aside from what happens to us. Our circumstances don't define us. Our communication has become stronger than I thought possible for a couple that has only been married for one year. We love each other deeply and it's not because of met expectations. It's because of the willingness to deal with the circumstances that life has dealt us.
God has shown me through the hardship that it's OK to doubt God. It's OK to tell God that I don't understand him, like him, or even love him at times. I know this because it has been in those moments of honesty with God that he goes the extra mile to prove that he does love me even when I don't love him.
As I write this, I have had several weeks of good health and am only looking up from here on. Although, this gift wasn't expected and often felt more like a curse, I wouldn't take it back. Some of life's best gifts don't come in a box. I hope that this will encourage someone out there that is or has been dealing with a chronic or undiagnosed illness.
I'm content to model hope instead of clothes on the runway.
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