The Madness of It All

   So, I have  had an interview tomorrow. I am going to call and cancel as soon as I'm finished uncovering some truth behind all of the lies I've been telling myself over the past three years. The truth is that I'm not well enough to work yet. I'm exhausted. My medications aren't working. I'm still not gaining weight. I'm sick and sick of being sick. (try saying that ten times fast)

   I've been on a hard and rigorous job search over the past few months. Why? Why have I been looking for jobs tirelessly when I'm too tired to leave the apartment on most days? Why have I become so consumed with what I can and cannot do?  My focus needs an alignment. 

   Sure, it would have been an amazing ego boost for me to go to my job interview tomorrow and find out later that I got the job.  It would have been nice to get out of my pajamas and dress up nice and look like a professional for the first time in a long time.  The dark circles under my eyes would have appreciated to be covered up with foundation for once. It would have been nice to have a job and bring home an extra pay check to increase our income. 

   The truth is, though, for the first time I'm putting my foot down.  I am not doing myself or Matt any favors by over exerting myself.  I end up ten times as tired as before and Matt is left to take care of me double time. I've had knots in my stomach since I agreed to go to the interview tomorrow. I was never sure that it was the right choice. This morning, I called one of my best friends - my mama. My mama has a way of saying exactly what I need to hear although it's not always what I want to hear.  She asked me a very powerful question : "Nikki, think about where you want to be in two years.  Do you want to be healthy or do you want to have more money?" At first, I went for the 'have your cake and eat it, too' answer and thought that I wanted both.  In the end, all I could think about was wanting to be healthy.

  I want to be able to enjoy vacations to see our families and not get worn down so quickly.  I want to be able to go back to school and put all of my effort into it.  I want to be able to have a healthy pregnancy one day and have energy to play with my kids. I want to enjoy long walks and jogging again. I want to be able to serve my community and volunteer all of the places that I would love to.

 I hadn't prioritized things before today.  I've been so busy trying to compensate for my illness by overachieving and pushing myself to the limit. I've been comparing myself to everyone around me and getting angry that the 80 year old woman that walks around our neighborhood has more energy than I do. I've just assumed that people don't understand my illness or think that I'm lazy.  I've not taken time to realize that there are people around me that love me and are supporting me through all of this. If people do think that my illness is a plan to get attention or think that I'm just being careless and lazy then they don't belong in my life and circle of friends anyway.

I also have to come to a place in my life where I can accept this illness if it doesn't ease up or go away. I believe that will take some more time, but I hope that my heart can move to acceptance and that I will find new and creative ways to deal with this. So, here is the time to clear up a few lies I've been telling myself:

I do not have worth because I'm not healthy.
I cannot do the things that I want to do.
I am  a burden to Matt, my family and friends.  I AM NOT a burden to Matt, my family, and friends.
People just think I'm trying to get attention. WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK!

I told my mama, "I just want to write." She answered me, "So, do it."

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm short an interview tomorrow, but I know that taking care of my body and getting these lies out of the way will be worth it.