Today, there was another shooting at Virginia Tech. This time a police officer was killed in a routine traffic stop and then another student was found dead in a parking lot. Before I read the news I was sitting down and stressing about how I will pay for college in January and wondering what I would eat for lunch. It's always in moments of bad news that reality smacks me in the face hard enough to realize that life is fragile and all of the worries we have are temporary. If I am honest, I usually steer clear of reading the news because it's bad news the majority of the time and a constant reminder of how horrible people can be. I realize that ignoring the news doesn't take the bad out of the world, but makes me numb to it which is completely selfish of me. If we don't address pain head-on then how can we ever experience healing and help others to as well? I find that I am taking community out of my life when I distance myself from difficult news or personal situations. We're all in this together in some way or another, right?
Matt is still in police academy until he graduates on the 13th of January. He comes home every day and tells me about the crazy training he is having to go through. Part of his training has been to review past cases and use them to learn from other officers' careless mistakes. I try not to let stories get to me most of the time, but there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind. I worry that Matt will be hurt one day or that something worse will happen. Looking at the VT shooting today where it was a routine traffic stop and something so horrible happened doesn't put my "what ifs" at ease one bit. It made me think to myself that I would want Matt doing anything but being a police officer. My worry uncovered itself and came fully to surface for a while and I got myself all worked up. Then, something in my mind set changed making me realize that as a cop's wife I can really pray for the fallen officer's wife and family. I can take my worry and turn it into productive support to officers' families that suffer horrible loss- whether it is from injury or loss of that loved one. I realize that there is no place for me living in fear and worry when I can be actively reaching out to others that live that way because of very real things that have happened.
It's not easy being married to a cop. Worry snuggles up to me at night when Matt is out on the road. Fear takes many forms whether it is in dreams, news articles or hearing personal stories of other people. The truth is, though, above everything that I am so proud of Matt. My pride in him outweighs my worry any day of the week and I can't even imagine all of the tangible positive difference he has already made in the world just by going to work every day.
So, all of this said: I hope I can make a tangible difference in people's lives that have lost a loved one in the line of duty. If I am never able to fully help someone face-to-face then maybe through the art of writing I can share a little hope and restoration to those grieving. It's time for me to stop ignoring the news and to make myself aware of the reality in the world. Lastly, I need to encourage Matt more and more in his job. He isn't really used to hearing "thank you" in his job so I need to voice it twice as much.
Maybe there can be a new reality show "Cop Wives"? Hmmm....just maybe. ; )
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