The Need To Be

     We all do it. We get caught up on what we are going to be, what we are going to do and who we are going to become.  We're asked from an early age "What do you want to be when you grow up?" As kids we play in costumes and our parents' clothes until we get big enough to fill in the shoes we've been playing make-believe in for so long.  Life ends up looking differently than we anticipated, doesn't it?  We realize that there are responsibilities that come along with being anything. To be successful at our job, we can't sleep in late. To be a good wife, we can't be distant from our husband or run away from conflict. To be a good student, we can't let our school books collect dust. So, what does it take to be ourselves? The things we often say we are aren't who we are at all- they are titles. "I'm a lawyer." Yes, you may be, but who are you?  It's a question that runs deep and we don't get a good chance to examine it for what it is. "I'm a mom." Yeah, but who are you?

     This question has really hit me this week.  I had to resign from my job today because it was just too much on my body. My health has suffered as I've worked over the last month and it came to a point where I had to choose my health or the extra cash I was bringing home. It was more than that, though. I had to choose my pride or sacrifice. The choice to stop working wasn't easy and it has really been like re-living the NH scenario out all over again.  I had to quit my job due to my health then, too and although it was for the best it was still really hard to do.  I had to throw my hands up and surrender. The extent of "being me" over the past few months has been "I am a nanny." and "I am a student." But who am I really? At the end of the day am I me? Because that is really all that matters.  Am I bold enough to stand up for what I believe in? Do I still love daisies more than I love roses? Do I offer the world what I want I'm meant to offer? Do I smile from a place of true happiness? Am I content or am I searching?

    At the end of the day, I just have the need to be. To be. Nothing else- no shoes to fill, no titles to define me or people's praises to lift me.

   God put me and all of us here for a reason. To be. To do everything we can as ourselves to bring glory to himself. I have had a deep-rooted desire to please people for so long and it has washed over me and consumed me like a tidal wave.  Now, I've been washed to shore and I'm on my knees with a new found desire to be me- whatever the cost.

I will choose pink over green every day because it is my favorite color- it's part of being me.
I will still love handwritten letters more than any form of communication.
I will choose to encourage those around me at the cost of sounding too cheesy.
I will eat breakfast for dinner because it's just that awesome.
I will wear my favorite brown boots even if they look like pirate boots.
I will laugh embarrassingly loud in public.
I won't let my illness define me.
I won't let me get in the way of being me.

I am a wife.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a daughter.
And...I am me.

Life looks different today than it did yesterday, but I'm going to press on to tomorrow.