Matt and I had a mini getaway over the weekend. We drove down to VA Beach to spend the Super Bowl with family and friends (nothing like Pats vs. Giants and an aged Madonna to bring people together). I have been on a strange spiritual journey over the past few years and it's only escalated with every horrible thing that has happened. It's been a tough two years for Matt and I which is really an understatement. I have often felt that we've been standing in the middle of a horrific thunderstorm with no shelter and only each other to hold on to. I haven't neglected to think of God in those situations. I've thought about him a lot actually and each time that I have, I've walked away with more questions than answers.
Matt and I have had conversations that always begin and end the same. One of us asks the other one where God was in a certain event. The other one will say they don't know, but maybe God will give us peace. We circle around theological debates and unanswered prayers and then the subject falls flat and goes into the recap of that day or what's for dinner. Vocalizing things has always been a comfort to me, but it seems like I haven't been able to talk enough these past two years. Somewhere between my dad dying, my health issues, Matt's biological mother dying and me going through a dark and scary depression-- I lost the energy to ask questions and simply retired to sitting quietly. What more was there to say? Cynicism took place of lost passion. Fear took place of peace. When even God himself seems to keep silent, there was no reason for me to talk anymore.
Saturday night, I was sitting at our friends' kitchen table laughing until my sides hurt. We were all having a great time and Matt brought up the fact that I had some questions about the Holy Spirit. Matt and I had recently been talking about the church environment I was raised in and the questions that I had about speaking in tongues, healing, and all aspects of the Holy Spirit. Our conversation went a little like this:
Me: "So, why do people feel like they have to flop around like a fish on the floor?"
Matt: "What?"
Me: "The Holy Spirit thing. People flop around. I mean, really?"
Matt: "So, you don't believe God can do those things?"
Me: "You mean do I think God can make people flop around like fish? I guess, but...geez...why would he want to? He made fish for a reason."
Matt: "I'm not sure what to say about that."
Me: "Just say I don't have to flop around like a fish to experience God."
Matt: "I hope God makes you flop around like a fish."
That was the extent of our conversation because I didn't like for it to go much deeper than that. I had experienced the Holy Spirit, but never in the physical manifestations that others seemed to. It was very confusing not to mention uncomfortable to me. Our friends listened closely to my questions and severe undertone of judgement.
Then, our friend Jonathan said that he would like to pray with me. oh great, this is going to be awkward., I thought. I closed my eyes and as I did, the whole room seemed to have a hush over it. The TV was on in the background and people were talking, but the room seemed to close off sound like it was vacuum sealed shut. Jonathan asked me to think of somewhere that I felt safest. Immediately I thought of an abandoned beach. It was an overcast day, but warm and the tide swept over my feet as I stood and looked out at the vast ocean. I could smell the salty air and feel it as I inhaled slowly. There was only one problem- I was safe, but I was so devastated. The amount of sorrow that I felt as I sat there with my eyes closed was indescribable. Jonathan asked me to imagine God there with me. I don't want him here., I thought. Before I could imagine God away from the situation, he was there standing next to me on the beach.
I felt so small and so unimportant standing next to God. I stood there and cried as I imagined what he must think of me. He must think I'm such a mess. I'm weak. I'm unworthy. I'm so small. God didn't speak to me, but he looked at me-- he starred into my eyes. His eyes were gray with the slightest hint of blue, but they were so deep. His eyes held so much emotion, they seemed to hold all of creation. I saw my reflection in his eyes and as I looked at myself, I saw his love for me. His eyes said that I was important, I was loved. He told me that I was small so that I could know his greatness. God told me that he would never leave me like my dad had. He wouldn't hurt me like others had. In that moment I felt more peace than I have in my entire life. The world was shut out and there was no obligation to invite it in. I was with God and he was with me--just us.
I left a lot at that kitchen table. I got a fresh start that I hadn't anticipated. Prophecies were given over my life that night- things that people would have had no way of knowing. I trust that all of it was true and I will continue to. I have nothing to lose, but all of God to gain. If God speaks to you and you flop around like a fish- go for it. I know the power that compels you now.
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