Today, was one of those days. I woke up feeling defeated as my body once again refused to be energetic. I tossed and turned underneath the duvet and stared at the wall. It's going to be a long day.
I ended up having to cancel on a friend and canceling plans for the evening. Doing so always makes me feel that I've let people down and I quickly end up surrendering to the negative thoughts that start to flow freely through my mind.
God has been doing a lot in Matt and me over th past few weeks. It's nothing that can really be explained other than to say it's been totally unexpected and transforming-- usually the way that God likes to do things. God has all of a sudden given us a heart for the people of India. We are still working through a time of discernment and seeking God in the specifics. As I failed in my attempt to study this morning and my to-do list seemed to remain the same, my own feelings of inadequacy flooded over me. I decided to handle the situation in the best way I knew how-- I began to clean the house like a mad woman. With weak legs, an exhausted mind and a defeatist attitude I cleaned. "Take that", I thought. I did well being self-sufficent and making our bedroom squeaky clean until I began to cry. I sat on the bed and wondered how in the world I could hope to make a difference in the world if I can't even successfully keep appointments with friends or clean my own house. I cried and then, still sulking, went outside to read a book.
As I sat in the sun reading the words on the pages of my book, my mind was somewhere else. I saw orphans in India that have been sold into sex slavery. I saw men and women in need of hope and a future in God. I saw faces I've never seen before and heard voices and cries of the oppressed. I sat wondering how little me could ever answer God's calling to a country I've never been to. I wondered when my body fails me on days like today, how I would manage to help others.
Matt interrupted my thoughts. "Hey, can you come help me?"
I looked over at where he was standing. He had been pruning an overgrown bush at the corner of the house. A vine had overtaken the bush, and slowly strangled the life out of it. Matt had a huge pile of dead branches and vine all around him.
I sighed. "Uggh...what is it?" I got up and walked over to him.
"I need your help dragging these branches into the back woods. I could do it on my own, but I really need your help."
In that moment, my husband needed my help. I loved feeling needed when all morning I had felt so useless. I stared at the pile and felt defeated already. I had no idea how to even begin dragging the pile all the way into the back yard. It was going to be a lot for me to conquer when my body was yelling at me to not do anything. In that moment, a thought came to me. One piece at a time. That was exactly how I would accomplish the goal. I dragged one branch loose and then, another until my hands couldn't grip anymore. Like that, I began to drag the pieces. I walked to the end of the yard and threw the branches into the woods. As I did, the Tennessee girl in me came to surface and I remembered how much I love hard work out in the hot sun.
As I dragged the second load of branches, I realized that I will be able to do whatever God has called Matt and I into. My health will be the same in another country as it is here. The temptation to be self sufficient and stubborn will still be there. I have to remember that doing anything for God and others is something. It has value. Even if I can't do as much as I'd like to, I am still able to do something.
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