Living for Purpose

        The past two weeks have been difficult for us. My health has been like descending a spiral staircase. Just when I think I have reached the lowest point I see that there are more stairs leading me down an unfamiliar way. New symptoms have recently intertwined themselves into my illness. What was once a list of three or four complaints has now become an ongoing writing and editing process. The symptoms that have recently manifested themselves have been scary to say the least. I had a seizure nearly two weeks ago and have since had dizzy spells and new muscular and joint pain. The feeling of continuously going down hill has left me weak and begging for answers. Most detrimental, though has been the feeling of loss--of self-sufficiency, strength, faith, and purpose.

         I finished my last class of the semester yesterday and propped my feet up at completion. I sat and wondered, What am I going to do with all of the extra time? I came up with three simple things: prepare for our trip to India in September, read, and take the time to write creatively for the first time since school started in January. I woke up this morning ambitious to begin enjoying my free time. I got out of bed and my body rebelled against me and forced me back into bed. Matt and I went out for lunch later in the day, but I had to go back to bed when we got home. It is now almost five o'clock in the evening and my day has just begun. With harbored frustration and the sinking feeling of helplessness, I realized that my day had been wasted.

         God prompted me to search Christine Caine's new Bible study on YouTube. Aching, I reached for the laptop and began my search as a little part of me mourned the loss of me--who I used to be. Within minutes of watching the video, I was reminded that I have purpose. Purpose is a word that is loosely thrown around in the Christian community. "You have a purpose that only you can fulfill." "Your life should be filled with purpose." "You have purpose." "God created you on purpose". The list goes on and on. Today, purpose registered with me in a new way. When I was healthy, I knew I had purpose. I knew because there weren't many limitations held over my head. Now, limitations greet me at my bedside and step on my heels all day. I have lost sight of God's purpose for me because I have listened to my limitations more than I have God's reassurance. Too often, I have resigned before I even get started. I've lived as an extremist--completely ignoring my body's need for rest or completely retiring from belief that there is a purpose for me.

           I am tired and weak. I lose sight of what is important. I confuse feelings for truth. I listen to lies and ignore God's affirmation. I do a lot of things. One thing that I need to do is realize that God's purpose for my life far exceeds my health. It goes beyond my body and flows from my spirit. Those in need may just be waiting for someone that is willing rather than necessarily able. I may be that person.

I have purpose.

You have purpose.

Live on purpose for the purpose that you were created for.