Let me begin by saying that God loves you radically. I say that because I have been to the bottom and back again and he has never left me. Some of you reading this may not believe in God and that's okay. I know that at some point in time you will experience an answered prayer, a change of circumstance, or a miracle that will plant hope in your heart. He will reveal himself in some way. Maybe just for now you can see him revealed in my answered prayer, the change of my circumstance, and the miracle that has unfolded in my life.
You all know that I've been praying for three years straight to be well again. I would love to say that I woke up this morning renewed and am feeling 100% as I write this. That isn't the case, but hope has taken root in my heart and I realize that healing may not be God's plan with my illness. For the first year of my illness I blamed God. The second year I ignored God. This year I have sought God with all of my heart. Through the realization that God didn't cause this illness I now have my head above water and am breathing with purpose again. Depression has knocked me down a few times and so has the sense of hopelessness that sometimes snuggles up to me at night.
Upon moving here I did get a diagnosis which relieved a lot of stress. However, the thankfulness wore off quickly once I started experiencing the onset of newer and scarier symptoms. The emotional course that an illness can take you on can be really treacherous. I've been filled with hope, faith, and a will to live. Equally as much I have been filled with fear, self-hate, and complacency. The past three months have been a fight between darkness and light. One minute I have felt hopeful that I will get more answers and the right treatment. The next minute I have been in tears that my health may never be fully understood, diagnosed, or treated.
God does place compasses on every corner of our lives, though. People aid as a compass to point us back to him--back to hope and a future. Family acts as a compass to point us back to our very roots--who we are and a judgement-free safe haven. Community acts as a compass to bring us to a destination of stability and purpose. I have been off course and redirected so many times through this process that it's a wonder I am still in one piece.
Today, my impatience (I like to sugarcoat it by calling it "determination") got the best of me. After three weeks of waiting I couldn't stand it any longer. I picked up the phone and called Johns Hopkins to inquire about the status of my application. The lady on the other end of the phone couldn't have been any nicer or patient with me. While I was on hold I prayed with everything in me. The woman came back on the phone and said that the doctors have consulted over my medical records and would like to see me in October! I took the appointments right away and was so filled with joy when she explained each appointment to me. I will be meeting with a total of four specialists and each appointment will last two hours! The appointments span over two days (October 23rd and 24th). The thought of having a two hour appointment makes me so happy. Doctors will take the time to listen, test, diagnose, and come up with treatment plans.
For every difficult day behind me and for each one ahead-- because they will come-- I have to say that I am thankful despite them. Along the way I am growing in faith and learning more about God's love. I would like to grow in a different way--a way that doesn't leave me in bed and exhausted, but the lessons learned are worth it despite the circumstances. I may not be this optimistic tomorrow, but that's to be expected. I'm finding that hope isn't always packaged beautifully like we would want. Sometimes hope is bare, raw, and ridiculously hard to hold onto. I'm thankful that I have a God that holds onto me even when I let go of him.
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