One Page at a Time

The Bible College girls worshiping before I shared my testimony.

         A book can only be read one page at a time. Everyone reads at a different pace--some skim the pages quickly while others read with intense focus and patience. I fall into the second category. I read and notice how each word is interconnected in the big picture of what is going on. Whatever your reading style, there is no way to know how the story unfolds without reading one page at a time.

        The grieving process, like a book, can only be worked through one stage at a time and like readers, everyone approaches grief differently. When my father died in 2009, I was obviously devastated by his death, but as time proceeded and seasons dissolved into the next, I began to grieve over the life my father lived more than anything. At the time of his death my father did not have even one friend. He had no possessions--only his music and a few filled notebooks. He did not have a job, a car, or even a driver's license. He was severely ill and completely reliant upon his mother with whom he lived with. His life itself has caused me more sadness than his death itself. Perhaps that is because I found peace in the fact that he wasn't ill and feeble anymore.

         I have worked through the grieving process one page at a time, but at the beginning of a new chapter I only found that the previous chapter hadn't completely resolved. I was still grieving his life because I thought of all the potential that could have been and the friends that could have at least been there for his funeral if he had had any. How could a life so empty be full of purpose?

        While in India, I had the honor of sharing my story with the Bible college ladies. I felt inadequate. How could I share something with them when I knew most of them had faced far more than I ever would? I set my fears aside, though, and breathed in deeply. "God, I'm open to what you have for my time with these girls." I shared about the difficulties my mom and I had when she was a single parent doing her best to provide for us. I explained that my father and I didn't reconcile until he was very ill and then, we only had a few short years of getting to know each other before he passed away. I spoke about how he came to peace with God before he died and that I will always be grateful for that.

         In the depth of my heart I felt a peace as I shared; for the first time I realized the true value of a life. God showed me that my father's life surely did have purpose despite lack of material goods and human relationships. It was because of God that I was half way around the world sharing not only my story, but also my father's story. A story that had to be read one page at a time to appreciate the ending. It was through every sentence, every word, and new page that God orchestrated peace and redemption for my father's life. My father did have a life worth living because the very air in his lungs was put there by God. He lived with divine purpose that he couldn't see at the time--a purpose that I couldn't see without turning the page. His life was valuable and he fulfilled a purpose long after his life ended. The students heard of God's faithfulness and deliverance in my life--a story that didn't unfold without the reconciliation with my father. My father helped shape more good things in my life than bad.

Some of the Titus Women and Bible College students from the meeting.

         Later in the week, I shared my story again with about 70 Hindu women (Titus Women aspect of the ministry). My father's life and death was a testimony to women that don't even know God yet. I looked into the faces of the Hindu women--all of them were there that day to make and sell handmade items so that their families may be provided for. As I looked out at each of them I believed in faith that one day all of them in God's perfect timing will turn the page to a new chapter--one of God's salvation, freedom, and peace. 

       The story we all begin with is one that we try to write on our own. Circumstances beyond our control tear out pages here and there--causing people to tell us our story isn't worth reading. God sees the divine purpose he has created in us and he replaces what has been torn.

       In many ways, India was the beginning of a new chapter for me. My heart was filled with a love for the people that can't be easily described. Their faces were ingrained in my mind and the immense need for God was etched on my heart. A new chapter is being written and just like any book worth reading, it will be written one page at a time.