I wore a smile as a mask for four years. The smile was a perfect disguise for what I was going through. For those years, I felt as if my chest was a hollow cavern. I felt like I was heartless and without a soul. My dreams faded slowly over the years and all that was left were the memories of who I used to be. I would look in the mirror and feel as if I were on the outside looking in on the life of someone else. You look at these photos and you see a smile across my face, but I see these photos and can tell you exactly how I was feeling on that particular day. There I am. I'm standing frozen in time--a newly wed in New York City with the love of my life beside me. Matt had surprised me with with the trip. We walked around all day seeing the sites, taking in the smell of street vendors and car fumes blanketing the winter air. We stopped for a quick photo and I smiled with all the energy I could muster. On the inside, I was crumbling under the weight of a body that wasn't working properly. On that particular day, I couldn't stand long without feeling as though my legs were going to buckle beneath me. We took a lot of breaks along the way. Matt was so patient with me. I fought feelings of guilt all day. I felt bad that he had taken so much care in surprising me and I wasn't able to enjoy it the way that I wanted to.
There I am at a wedding. My best friend, a constant support to me during my illness, had just gotten married. I cried tears of happiness as I watched her marry the sweetest guy. The day before, I had been released from the hospital. I had spent 24 hours in the hospital for observation after having an adverse reaction to an anti-depressant. I had purposely cut my arm with a kitchen knife. A friend took me to the hospital where a psychiatrist suggested that I stay over night to be monitored. I shared a room with a woman that didn't make eye contact with me or speak to me. She had small cuts up both of her forearms and some on her face. I turned my back to her and slept in the fetal position, hugging myself as I fell asleep praying to God to heal me. I met with the psychiatrist the next morning. I smiled brightly as I told her I was stable enough mentally to be released from the hospital. I explained to her that my best friend was getting married and that I wanted to be there with her. My long sleeved shirt covered my cuts and my smile covered my broken heart. Being physically sick for so long had taken a toll on me mentally and I hadn't even realized the weight I had been carrying around until I had fallen hard on my face. I was at rock bottom. That was one of the most terrifying experiences I had ever been through during my illness. Even now, when I think back to that hospital stay, I feel that tinge of pain and regret.
I open up my heart to you like this for the sole reason of showing you that I care. I know what it is like to feel that you have lost yourself to something that was outside of your control. I know what it is like to know that something is not right with your body, to fight for answers, and come up empty handed. I know what it's like to look at old photos and long to be healthy again. I know what it's like to not leave the house for days at a time because you aren't well enough and you're afraid that people will look at you and know that you're not well. I've felt the anxiety and depression of feeling like you're letting your family down because you aren't who you used to be. I know what it's like to hide behind a smile. I share my story because I can't let what I went through go to waste if it's something that will help you know you're not alone.
I am not 100%. I still have days and sometimes weeks where my symptoms flare up and remind me that something still isn't right. I still have moments when I look back on what Matt and I went through and I mourn. I have walked a long road and I know that I can't completely convey the immense desperation and sadness that I encountered on my journey. As I sit here now, though, I can say that I believe that there was purpose to it.
Many of you know that I have found a nutritional supplement called Zeal for Life that has helped alleviate my symptoms. I am a consultant for them and I have sent samples out to a few of you. I decided to become a consultant in hopes to help those that have an illness like me, either diagnosed or undiagnosed. I have had so many people struggling with illness cross my path during the past few years. I don't think that is a coincidence. I've held some of you as you have cried. I have been here to reply to your messages and return your phone calls. I've prayed for you and with you as you've gone through the diagnosis and treatment process. Now, I feel that I have something tangible that I can offer you. I am a Zeal consultant because I want to help you like so many of you have helped me on my journey. My ultimate goal isn't to line my pockets with an extra income, but to help you in your search for good health. Zeal for Life isn't a cure, but it could be the difference between staying as you are or having a better quality of life
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