You Are Always Thinking of Me

   This morning, I had a rare peaceful moment to myself. Usually, Amaya and I wake at the same time and it's a mad dash to get her changed, fed, myself fed, and then whatever issues arise that have to be tended to. I woke up bright and early this morning and headed into the kitchen. I whipped up some banana walnut muffins from a package and preheated the oven. Then, I groggily just stood there wondering what to do next. The rarity of time alone first thing in the morning made me feel like "the world is my oyster" so to speak. I pulled a small notebook out of my over sized purse and a Walgreen's pen. I sat down and began to write. Usually, when I write I have an idea that sparks and I just go with it. This morning, I started to write before that happened and I was pleasantly surprised at the result. I wrote a little note to God.

    Now, if there's anything that I have learned over the past few years of trials it has been that it's perfectly acceptable for me to see God through my own lens. I used to feel so much pressure to relate to God in the way that others saw Him. As a result, I always felt as if I was falling short. Going through tough stuff has been a blessing in disguise, really. It has allowed me to tap in to my own relationship with God in a way that I never would have. I soon realized that letting go of my false version of God and allowing myself to relate to Him in my own way was what He wanted for me in the first place. I have been able to set religion aside and in turn, have something authentic.

    My note this morning had to do with letting stress subside and trusting that God will meet our financial needs that we have at the moment. That is what I wrote about, but the subject of trust ran deeper for me. Most people may see God as a Father figure, but to be honest, I never have. I realize that there are loads of verses where God refers to us as His children and to Himself as Father. As someone that comes from a broken home, though, referring to God as Father always made me feel like I was set up for disappointment. I worked through those issues and later reconciled with my father and also have a wonderful relationship with my step-father.  Still, though, I just don't see God through the lens of being my Father. I relate most to God through nature.

    There hasn't been one occasion when I stood on a beach and looked out at the vast ocean that I didn't think of God's endless love. It never fails. I've never looked at the sun slowly set over the mountains and not thought about the fact that God's grace is vibrant in a dark world. I've been waist high in snow before as fresh snow fell on me and reflected on God's ability to make things new and pure. Spring reminds me of His fresh starts while Summer reminds me of the warmth of His love for me. Autumn and Winter bring to light His beauty in the midst of harsh conditions. Moss hanging from the trees in Georgia reveals to me His attention to detail while the mountains of Tennessee show me His majesty. Our daughter Amaya reminds me that God is gentle and kind. I could go on and on...

   This morning, as I wrote my stress to paper and felt the overwhelming urge to vent what I have been feeling for the past few months, my note ended much differently than I thought it would. I simply wrote, God, you are always thinking of me. I was surprised by that final sentence. I looked outside at the pouring rain and saw something new about God's character--the fact that He refreshes my heart when I need it most.