Burlap and Roses

A paradigm shift—
Ashes to beauty and ordinary to spectacular
That’s what love does.
Transformative love beneath a silver plated sky
The moon kisses the dirt, stirring up a subtle growth
Golden beams of the morning sun
Dissolve the beads of dew
Out from the rocky terrain, a rose pushes through
I clench my fist ‘round my heart
Squeeze it; bring it to life
A new day of dreams lain out--
polished stones to fill my pockets with.

Beneath the clouds of promise
I throw my dreams in the ocean’s salty blue
The stones will raise the tide by no grand measure
But, it is my contribution to the world—as small as it may seem
Like burlap and roses—
Beauty that is strong yet delicate

The Pain Behind the Smile

      
     

I wore a smile as a mask for four years. The smile was a perfect disguise for what I was going through. For those years, I felt as if my chest was a hollow cavern. I felt like I was heartless and without a soul. My dreams faded slowly over the years and all that was left were the memories of who I used to be. I would look in the mirror and feel as if I were on the outside looking in on the life of someone else. You look at these photos and you see a smile across my face, but I see these photos and can tell you exactly how I was feeling on that particular day. There I am. I'm standing frozen in time--a newly wed in New York City with the love of my life beside me. Matt had surprised me with with the trip. We walked around all day seeing the sites, taking in the smell of street vendors and car fumes blanketing the winter air. We stopped for a quick photo and I smiled with all the energy I could muster. On the inside, I was crumbling under the weight of a body that wasn't working properly. On that particular day, I couldn't stand long without feeling as though my legs were going to buckle beneath me. We took a lot of breaks along the way. Matt was so patient with me. I fought feelings of guilt all day. I felt bad that he had taken so much care in surprising me and I wasn't able to enjoy it the way that I wanted to.

     There I am at a wedding. My best friend, a constant support to me during my illness, had just gotten married. I cried tears of happiness as I watched her marry the sweetest guy. The day before, I had been released from the hospital. I had spent 24 hours in the hospital for observation after having an adverse reaction to an anti-depressant. I had purposely cut my arm with a kitchen knife. A friend took me to the hospital where a psychiatrist suggested that I stay over night to be monitored. I shared a room with a woman that didn't make eye contact with me or speak to me. She had small cuts up both of her forearms and some on her face. I turned my back to her and slept in the fetal position, hugging myself as I fell asleep praying to God to heal me. I met with the psychiatrist the next morning. I smiled brightly as I told her I was stable enough mentally to be released from the hospital. I explained to her that my best friend was getting married and that I wanted to be there with her. My long sleeved shirt covered my cuts and my smile covered my broken heart. Being physically sick for so long had taken a toll on me mentally and I hadn't even realized the weight I had been carrying around until I had fallen hard on my face. I was at rock bottom. That was one of the most terrifying experiences I had ever been through during my illness. Even now, when I think back to that hospital stay, I feel that tinge of pain and regret.

     I open up my heart to you like this for the sole reason of showing you that I care. I know what it is like to feel that you have lost yourself to something that was outside of your control. I know what it is like to know that something is not right with your body, to fight for answers, and come up empty handed. I know what it's like to look at old photos and long to be healthy again. I know what it's like to not leave the house for days at a time because you aren't well enough and you're afraid that people will look at you and know that you're not well. I've felt the anxiety and depression of feeling like you're letting your family down because you aren't who you used to be. I know what it's like to hide behind a smile. I share my story because I can't let what I went through go to waste if it's something that will help you know you're not alone.

    I am not 100%. I still have days and sometimes weeks where my symptoms flare up and remind me that something still isn't right. I still have moments when I look back on what Matt and I went through and I mourn. I have walked a long road and I know that I can't completely convey the immense desperation and sadness that I encountered on my journey. As I sit here now, though, I can say that I believe that there was purpose to it.

    Many of you know that I have found a nutritional supplement called Zeal for Life that has helped alleviate my symptoms. I am a consultant for them and I have sent samples out to a few of you. I decided to become a consultant in hopes to help those that have an illness like me, either diagnosed or undiagnosed. I have had so many people struggling with illness cross my path during the past few years. I don't think that is a coincidence. I've held some of you as you have cried. I have been here to reply to your messages and return your phone calls. I've prayed for you and with you as you've gone through the diagnosis and treatment process. Now, I feel that I have something tangible that I can offer you. I am a Zeal consultant because I want to help you like so many of you have helped me on my journey. My ultimate goal isn't to line my pockets with an extra income, but to help you in your search for good health. Zeal for Life isn't a cure, but it could be the difference between staying as you are or having a better quality of life

    

     

"Welcome to the best day of your life!"

About three weeks ago, I set out with our daughter to go grocery shopping. Her carrier takes up most of the space in the shopping cart and putting the bagged groceries around her is like a crazy game of Tetris. I had the cart piled high and was on my way out of the store when an employee asked if he could help me. I was hesitant at first, but am trying to wean myself off of stubbornness. I told him that yes, I could use the help.

On our way to the car he began telling me about his day.

"I love the Disney channel, don't you?", he asked.

I looked at him for a second thinking it was strange for a 25+ year old man to talk about the Disney channel. I saw an innocence in him, a child like wonder. I could tell that he was much younger mentally than his physical age.

"Yeah, I like the Disney channel. What's your favorite show?", I asked.

We talked for about ten minutes as he put the groceries in the trunk and I loaded Amaya into the car. He told me about his favorite show, asked me if the Washington Redskins would be at the Super Bowl, and told me he liked my name because it was just like Nicki Minaj. He was so sweet and seemed to have something so rare...joy.

Today, on my way out of the grocery store with my shopping cart piled high, he approached me again. I agreed to let him help me and again, he brought up his favorite cartoons. We laughed about how awesome the Disney channel is and how beautiful the weather was today.

As we walked he proclaimed, "Today is the best day ever!".

"Why is that?", I asked?

"I didn't get hit by a car!", he beamed.

I smiled. "That's a good thing! I'm glad you're safe. Do you like your job?"

"I LOVE my job! It's the best! My boss interviewed me today and gave me candy!" He reached out his hand and in it were three half melted Hershey Kisses.

He helped me load my groceries with a smile and a short quiz on Disney cartoon characters.

"What's your name again?", he asked.

"It's Nikki." I reached out to shake his hand. "And what's your name?"

"That's right! Just like Nicki Minaj!My name is Raymond. Just like, 'Everybody Loves Raymond'! Do you like that show?"

"I love that show!", I said as I put my purse in the car.

"You can't tip me because my boss says I get paid. Maybe you could bring me candy, though? Next time?" Raymond said seriously.

He told me in detail his top favorite candies and we agreed that I will take him some Skittles next time.

Then, just as I was about to leave Raymond looked at me and said, "Welcome to the best day of your life, Nikki!". With that, he took my shopping cart and continued talking to himself as he walked towards the store.

As I drove away I thought about how I had been bummed all morning and stressed about insignificant little things. Raymond reminded me that yes, this is the best day of my life because I'll never have this day again.

Perspective. It's an ebb and flow scenario, isn't it? One minute we are thankful and the next we are unhappy. We see the fragility of life and soon after we live as though we're invincible. What if we could live with true joy and spread that joy without fear of rejection?

I want you to say to you, "Welcome to the best day of your life!"

Vintage Red

Like a bottle of red,

I was poured out.

I was enjoyed, closed up and forgotten.

Left on the counter of people’s conscious

But they never returned.

My heart—a cellar

cold and lonely.

The party goes on

And I am forced to sit alone

near the ones that will replace me.

I have been neglected.

Poured out

onto the lips of the ungrateful and then, forgotten.

Welcome, all heretics

I am without answers
No longer polished
And blind to the world around me.

I have lost the facade
Picked up the chains
And thrown them from my feet.

I am perfectly imperfect
Broken
Undone
A twisted rusted mess
Kissing the open sky.

Questions lead to more questions
He meets me there;
Takes the pieces lying around me
And assures me that I'm close to his heart.

I fit in with the misfits
And into the forgotten society
He assures me:
The wondering and wandering are accepted
Beneath the pureness of his untainted love
I stand a mess--

Perfectly content.
Wholly free. 

Awakening.

The snow, a thin duvet, has blanketed the blades of grass

A few stand above the snow as if to kiss the frigid air before lying down to sleep

Inside, only the sound of my daughter’s sleepy sighs keep me company

The television is black

Marketing and shiny holiday advertisements have been put to rest

My phone is silenced

The chimes of incoming texts and calls have been trapped and encased behind a glass screen

Lights twinkle on the Christmas tree and reflect in ornaments of red and gold

The first snow, new sounds of a small life, and the recycled ornaments remind my heart that it is content

I’m not wanting

If ever I’ve wanted to make a mental picture to carry with me forever, it would be now

The beauty of a simple moment

One that surely could be overlooked or muted by the distractions of daily routine

I think to myself that there must be moments just like these—ones that I have neglected to notice

Like the unburied blades of grass, they stick up for me to notice, but I continue walking

I get caught up in the restrictions of time and want; even wanting more time

Life isn’t made up of things that we lack, but is a daily opportunity to happily accept what we have already been given

Fresh snow

A child’s sweet sighs

Recycled ornaments in red and gold

And the appreciation of something that will not be here tomorrow: 

Today.

Amaya Grace

I held hope in my arms

Not too tightly as to squeeze the breath out of it

Not too lightly as to let it fall to my feet.

The softness of her hair

Like fine feathers

Her cheeks--

small blushed spheres begging to be kissed

Wide blue eyes looked up at me with amazement

Her tiny hand grasped my finger

My heart felt pangs of deep love

A love that almost seemed to hurt

This love would do anything, be anything, and go anywhere

For this new life

A small life

A big miracle

I held hope in my arms and marveled at how she had changed me