Matt always jokes with me saying that I am like a toddler- when I get tired, hungry, or hurt I throw a proper tantrum. Lucky guy, getting to marry me and all. : ) Anyway, I have been on a two month tantrum and because of that, I have become even more exhausted than I was before with whatever is going on with my body. I have felt as if I've been in a deep state of depression although I have masked it with humor, smiles, and hobbies that I enjoy.
My MRI results came back normal. I cannot even tell you how thankful I am about that! With the new symptoms that I've picked up on this journey of being ill, I was concerned that something would show on the MRI. Upon hearing the news, though, part of me was disappointed. I'm not sure that many people will understand this unless you have gone through an undiagnosed or chronic illness. I have put my hope in the hands of many doctors and each time they have come back with hands empty of answers or resolve for my situation. Feeling horrible daily and not having any answers is enough to drive any person crazy.
Thankfully, I had my best friend and her husband here the day that I got my MRI done. They were waiting for me at home and as I walked through our front door, I was able to release the anxiety from the appointment into a hug and a very fun and busy weekend. The timing of their visit couldn't have fallen any better and having them here filled me with joy to push me along on this difficult road. My health didn't necessarily come up in conversation; it didn't have to. The presence of friends gave me the dose of encouragement that I needed.
Fast forward to Monday when I got the call that the results came back normal. I got the call and although I was relieved, I couldn't help but to cry. I cried because I don't just want a process of elimination, I want answers. I want a diagnosis more than I even want to get well. It's the not knowing that drives me up the wall; fills me with anxiety and depression. I made an appointment with my doctor and talked with her openly about how I've been feeling emotionally. I looked at her and through tears I told her that I'm giving up. She smiled patiently at me and said, "No, I know you're not giving up because you are here." I didn't get a prescription for anti-depressants because I had a horrible reaction to the last one I was on. She did talk to me about seeking out a counselor and beginning the counseling process again..
I realized the irony of my situation as I was trying to fall asleep last night. I want so badly to get well, but I haven't been taking proper care of myself. I eat, sleep, and drink like anyone needs to survive, but I have pushed myself down into a pit and I haven't bothered getting out. I am a people person and anyone that knows me recognizes that. Through this lull of unanswered questions and at times what I feel are unanswered prayers, I have given up little by little. My resignation has been subtle and quiet. I don't return calls from friends, I turn down invitations to go out, I obsess over what people think of me; and all of this has worn me out! Slowly, I have created my own little world where only my illness and I reside. Occasionally, I allow Matt in and other loved ones, but with a paranoid spirit. They don't really think I'm sick. I'm not as fun to be around as I used to be. I'm less of a person than I used to be. Everyone would be better off without me.
Last night, all of this came into focus and I realized something really unsettling- I've been letting my life pass me by. My illness can only rob me of things if I allow it to. People that don't think I'm really ill and aren't going to support me possibly don't belong in my life anyway. At the same time, the people that are supporting me can't be pushed away from me anymore. Why? Because I realize that this whole situation is bigger than I am and God has given me friends and family to speak into my life and carry me when I can't walk. My writing can only suffer from my illness if I lock my passion, pen, and paper into a closet and allow all three to collect dust. My marriage doesn't always feel fair- I feel that Matt holds both of us up most of the time. My illness can only weaken our marriage if I allow my negative thoughts and insecurities wrap themselves around me. Marriage is team work and if this trial has taught Matt and I anything it is that we literally cannot get through tough stuff without doing it together.
I determined in my heart last night that I will allow God and others to carry me through this. I can't do it alone and sitting in my desperation and depression isn't an option anymore. I have to take better care of myself because people are depending on me. I can't sell myself short and think that this is all there is to me- that I'm some half-person with half-dreams and no ambition or purpose. I'm kicking this pity party to the curb! If I get well then thank God and if not, then he is no less God than I am less his.
I decided that I needed tangible things to do in order to carry on my new attitude. Something that has been a huge struggle for me is establishing a routine. Since I have no idea what my day to day will look like or how I will feel any given day, it's been difficult to have a routine or anything that resembles a routine. Something that has been nearly impossible to tackle is exercise. I set me alarm last night for the first time in months. I usually sleep as much as my body needs and then stumble through my day.
This morning, I woke up at 7:30, 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off, got dressed in my work-out gear and hit the road for an early morning jog. I jogged with the help of listening to The Bravery and Ok Go. I realized how out of shape I have gotten over the past year. Being skinny doesn't mean you're in shape at all! I was breathing like I had run a 5K and my legs felt like jello. I was weak and shaking like a baby deer. Ha Ha! I jogged half a mile and then walked the half mile back home. As soon as I hit the drive way, I nearly cried because I was so proud of myself. It felt SO GOOD to push myself and go through with the jog. This accomplishment was HUGE for me!
When I got inside, I showered and then made myself a 3 egg white breakfast and drank my vitamin supplement. I'm going to make sure I eat a healthy lunch with substance to it. I am exhausted just from what the past three hours has brought, but the important thing is that I did it! I didn't do it for anyone else other than myself and that in itself is another huge accomplishment. With the low self-esteem I have carried around with me, doing something for myself was a huge step in the right direction.
I am sorry to those of you that I have distanced myself from. I am working on gaining myself back and working on friendships and relationships that have weakened because of my depression. Thank you to everyone for your love and your support. Matt, I love you and I cannot tell you how thankful I am to you for believing in me and pointing me back in the right direction when I am feeling lost and worthless.
If any one needs accountability in creating a routine or needs to chat about any similar things that I wrote about please talk to me. I don't just write to get things off of my chest, I also write in hopes to help others.
With love. xoxo
Hi nikki,
ReplyDeleteThis blog moved me to tears today because all that you wrote about concerning your pain, frustration and depression literally was like you were writing my entire feelings that I went through with my undiagnosed illness too. I never thought anyone else would have gone through what I did and all that you wrote has bought everything back to me so clearly.
I wanted to say a big thank you though for the encouragement of this blog I know how those pains can be and trusting in God to sort it can be the hardest thing to do. I resented him so much for all he put me through, I debated not going to church any more and just giving up on life. But I got through it. God was faithful and, after almost two years of suffering I finally got my diagnosis.
Now, looking back 3 years later I realise how much I relied on God and so many incredible people who were in my life at the time and I am truly grateful to everyone. And my biggest achievement is, although I did miss almost 2 years of schooling I've still made it to university and i'm currently in pursuit of my dream, to be an Occupational Therapist.
I really do know how horrendous undiagnosis can be. Its something people dont understand unless they've actually been through it themselves. But I hope I can remind you that God is a faithful God and that he has incredible timing. Trust me, I know.
Stay strong,
love in Christ
Amy xxx