I feel like I've been sitting on a dock for a long time. A dock that doesn't lead to water, but instead leads to a positive change. I've been sitting on the edge of the dock letting my toes occasionally dip into what is good and positive. There have been days that I have wanted to run far from the edge of the dock and run to seek shelter. I stand to leave and realize that I cannot run any further away from my problems than I have already attempted to in the past. I have remained on the dock afraid to jump in to change because I have been weak, scared, but mostly I have felt unable. I have even felt unworthy at times.
Matt and I have been searching for a good church for the past two years. We didn't really find a home church in New Hampshire. Upon moving to Virginia we decided that the need to be part of a community is too important to ignore. We went to a couple of churches in August that neither of us liked. The churches weren't what we were looking for personally. We have been craving a genuine community of believers- a community that isn't an institution or organization. We've been searching for something organic and pure. Both of us have been part of churches in the past that were excellent in community, but lacking in doctrine. We've also experienced churches that are great as a "business" but not as a community. Today, we went to a church by chance because we saw a bummer sticker that said "Life Church" and we decide to check it out.
Firstly, the church meets in a barn. How cool is that? It does sound a bit country, but it's not at all. The church holds all of the contemporary expectancies of a modern day church, but it's within the walls of a rugged barn. We were greeted by so many people that actually had an interest in us. The worship was amazing, but it was the sermon that made all of the difference to me. I haven't exactly been in tune with God for what seems like forever. The hardships with my health have occupied all of my energy, time, and efforts. If I am honest, I haven't believed that God was near to me and I've doubted his care for me. I have been asking the questions: Why has God allowed this to happen to me? Why has he let this happen for 3 years? God has the power to change my situation at any point. I have gone to doctors countless times and by now God could have pinpointed on any blood test what is going on with me. He hasn't done anything, though. Today my view changed. It isn't that God hasn't done anything, but he has done everything.
The pastor talked about how God is the God of Providence. He talked about how God PRESERVES us through the storms of life. He talked about how God PROVIDES for us. He finished by saying that God is PRESENT. I haven't had a problem wondering if God has preserved me or provided for Matt and I through all of this. I haven't felt that God has been present, though. I have felt that God allowed this illness to take place only to watch me from a distance and that he would come around again if I begged, pleaded, or strived hard enough. I've viewed God as this careless god that is playing horrible mind games with me. I've been so angry with him for the longest time. With every day that I wake up feeling weak I have become more bitter. With every time that I have to ask Matt to help me up stairs or drive me somewhere because I'm unable my anger has grown. Every day has slowly added up to years of blaming God for my illness.
The idea of God being present isn't very complicated at all, but my mind checked out a long time ago. If God truly is present then that means that I am not alone in this. I have felt alone for so long. Yesterday, I was hanging my clothes up in my closet and my legs got really weak like they often do and I sat on the floor and cried for the longest time. I cried because I felt like the smallest task was too hard for me. My body was giving out in such a mundane task. I cried because I was angry, scared, but most of all hurt. I cried to God begging him to take this from me. Today, I look back on yesterday and even the past three years and I realize that if God is truly present in my life then that must mean he hasn't missed one thing that I have been through. He has been in the tears that have fallen from my eyes. He has felt my pain, my fear, and my weakness. God has been there in the deepest darkest parts of what I have gone through.
Does that mean that I am totally encouraged and everything from here on out is going to be easy? Maybe not. It does mean that I have small doses of hope to carry me. It means that God is never far from me. I am still weak and my body is still not well- it really sucks, but I will never be alone. I've been sitting on this dock for too long. I'm going to jump in to something new- the belief that the God of Providence has my back and he carries me when I cannot walk.
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