When Holding On To Hope Exhausts You

   
                When asked how she got through the horrible ordeal she lifted her eyes slightly allowing the light to illuminate them; showing the small specks of green swimming in the blue of the iris.  Her mouth was relaxed and slightly open at the question like she had to breathe in an answer and then exhale it slowly.  With a sigh and the relaxation of her shoulders she leaned forward on her chair;allowing the light to completely shine on her face.  Her red hair beneath the light was shiny like it was made of a golden-auburn thread. Her hair looked natural, and the fact that she had bought it in a wig shop in the next city over was not obvious.  Her lips parted and a smile stretched gently over her pale and weathered face. 

             "I just did." she answered. "I just woke up every morning and focused on getting through that day."

                 Her body was frail and the chair that she sat on looked stronger than she was.  She played with the rings on her left hand, a modest engagement ring and a thin gold band.  She smiled nervously as she waited for the next question.  The interviewer hesitated for a moment as he looked at the paper in his lap; then continued.

 "Did you know that you were going to survive?"

"Know?  I don't suppose anyone really knows if they will survive cancer, but I would say that I didn't doubt that I would survive."

 "Can you explain that?"

        She shifted in her seat and twisted her engagement ring and wedding band to the left; then the right.

"I was just hopeful.  I was never sure that I would live through it, but I chose to do my best and make the best of it.  I told my husband that I may not be here to celebrate our next anniversary, but it wouldn't be because I gave up hope."

"Hmmm, I see.  So, Rachel how did you hold on to hope?  Most people in your situation would probably fall into a deep depression."

         Rachel, without thinking softly said, "It's a choice.  Just like cancer, hope knows no limits, age, race, or walk of life.  I would lay in my bed some days and spend that entire day grieving my condition, but at the end of the day when I closed my eyes to sleep I was still hopeful. It was exhausting to be fighting a horrible illness and my own depression; I held on, though."

"What would you tell others that are going through what you have been through?"

        Rachel twisted her rings once more and cleared her throat as tears formed in her eyes.  She looked down at her rings and then back up at the camera.

"Hope is yours to have; although it may exhaust you to hold on tightly to it, don't let go. When holding onto hope exhausts you, it will always give you the strength you need."

        
*********************************************************************************

     The strange thing about this blog is that it turned out totally different than I had intended.  I have an important doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It has been a long 3 years of trying to figure out what has been going on with my body.  These past few days have been the worst that my body has seen in a long time.  I'm happy to have an appointment, but as always I become anxious before an appointment.  My intention with this blog was to get on here and ask for every one's prayers for tomorrow's appointment.  I have been to so many doctors and with each one I have become so full of hope only to be let down with them not finding an answer.

   I have been thinking that if this next doctor doesn't find anything then I'm just going to throw my arms up in the air and quit.  I'll be devastated and just give up.  I'll stop trying to figure it all out and fall into an even deeper pit of despair.  Sounds so dramatic, right? 
  
    Well, I got on here to write and all of a sudden I was imagining this woman in my mind sitting down on the other side of her illness.  I pictured a survivor of cancer and the words that she may have to share with those that are going through an illness.  I realize that people are fighting illness every day; they have stories to share.  If I give up on myself and the doctors that are trying to help me then I may never be someone else's story of hope.  I pray to God that they find out what is wrong with me because honestly, I am so exhausted from getting hopes up and then having them crushed.

     As Rachel said, though, "Hope is yours to have; although it may exhaust you to hold on tightly to it, don't let go. When holding on to hope exhausts you, it will always give you the strength you need."